WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today marks Abraham Lincoln’s 210th birthday, and President Donald Trump wasted no time in marking the occasion in his own unique, Trumpian way.
“Of course, everyone knows that as a Republican, I am a direct descendant of Lincoln’s Lego-see,” Trump said. “And what a great and proud, noble Lego-see he left me. Anyone who looks at Honest Abe and Mostly Sometimes Kinda Honest Don and doesn’t see the direct line between us is a fake news lying ass, un-American bastard you should probably shoot on sight. But who am I to say? I’m no lawyer, but yeah, go ahead and shoot people who don’t agree I’m exactly like Lincoln.”
From the Oval Office, Trump proclaimed a Lincoln a “pretty good president,” though the sitting president said his distant predecessor did “get some stuff bigly wrong.”
“Emancipation proctological exam? That was a bit crazy if you ask me,” Trump told reporters. “I mean, those slaves were people’s property. He took away people’s private property. Who did he think he was? You can’t just seize people’s property whenever you want! And it was all so political because he didn’t free northern urbans, just the southern ones. Well, I’m sorry, but purely political stunts that result in people losing their private property is a bridge too far for me!”
Just then, Stephen Miller entered the Oval Office carrying maps of the southern areas of the country. On the maps were locations marked with confederate flag icons. A reporter asked what the flags represented, and Miller told them the flags represented all the homes that would be confiscated from American citizens under eminent domain rights to build the border wall Trump promised Mexico would pay for.
“This whole Lincoln’s birthday thing did get me thinking about my base,” Trump told reporters. “Because I don’t think any of them would have actually supported Lincoln, ex-special-lee because most of my base is from the very states that left the union because Lincoln was elected.”
In order to “honor both sides of the Lincoln’s war of aggression,” President Trump says he’s using Lincoln’s birthday as the impetus to order a drastic redesign on pennies minted in the U.S.
“I’m going to sign an executive order in a few minutes, and that order will tell all U.S. mint locations they must put another great American President, Jefferson Davis, on the other side of the penny,” Trump announced. “Also, from then on, Jeff’s face will be the heads, and Lincoln’s will be the tail. It’s not fair to the South that they’d have to be on the ass end of the coin. At least we can finally say there are good people on both sides of the penny.”
Trump said he will also issue a second “royal presidential decree” later today as well.
“I’ll be pardoning John Wilkes Booth in a little bit, because it’s time to let wound heal, and I’ll also be declaring that the South won the Civil War by Electoral College rules,” Trump said. “We don’t do democracy here, we do Electoral College.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.