WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sen. Lindsey Graham, speaking to reporters this morning just hours before the second impeachment trial of Former President Donald J. Trump — the first and only such man to earn the dubious distinction of a pair of impeachments — warned his Democratic colleagues that even if they secure a highly unlikely conviction, it will not disjoin him from the former president’s rectum.

“They can impeach six hundred more times as far as I’m concerned,” Sen. Graham insisted, “and that will never change anything in terms of my relationship to the 45th president. Why would it? I’m bought in whole-hog on this thing, and I’m gonna ride it all the way to Hell, if I must.”

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In a statement, the former president offered his thanks to Sen. Graham for his “unwavering loyalty” and “commitment to keeping my balls, taint, and general groin-ish area moist but not chapped.”

“Lindsey has always been one of my most devoted and truly loyal asshole barnacles, which I never expected back when we competed for the Republican nomination,” Trump’s office wrote in a statement. “He really acted like he hated me when he thought that’s how he’d win. Once he figured out that I was the one who was directing the cult, he knew he had to fall in line.”

The former president was impeached for his role in inciting a deadly domestic terror attack on the nation’s capitol building during the certification of President Joe Biden’s Electoral College victory. Biden’s predecessor will not only retain the distinction as the only president impeached twice, he’s also the only president to have never won the popular vote in any election, and has the worst approval rating of any president since Gallup began tracking the presidential approval numbers.

“I am a politician, first, a cult member second, and an American somewhere way down on the list,” Graham said. “Those are the interests I will serve above all, in that order. First I take care of me, which means I gotta stay in this cult, y’all. Next, I gotta take care of that cult, because again, I’m in a cult, fam! And lastly, I’ll take care of America, if there’s any time left.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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