STUPIDVILLE, FLORIDA — Will Palumbicci is a 34 year old out of work, non-union plumber. It wasn’t the pandemic that put him out of business, however, it was his shoddy work and lack of licensing. Four years ago, he was sued by a company he was supposed to install a new sewer line for, but ultimately the line he put in burst, costing the company tens of thousands of dollars. Unable to pay off the judgment, Palumbicci simply declared bankruptcy and has been living with his parents ever since.
Mr. Palumbicci began hosting a pro-MAGA podcast in the time since he closed down his plumbing business. Yesterday, Will gave his thoughts on Juneteenth becoming a national holiday. While some might expect the MAGA faithful to be against it, Will says he’s “completely in favor” of Juneteenth being made a national holiday.
“I mean, it’s the day that our glorious Dear President will be rightfully reinstated to his throne,” Palumbicci told his audience. “So why wouldn’t I be in favor of it? Juneteenth is going to go down in history as the day we patriots ended American democracy for the sake of the republic for which it stands, one nation, under Trump, indivisible, with liberty and hand guns for all! A-FUCKING-MEN!”
When a podcast guest told Will later in the show what Juneteenth is actually about — the day that African slaves were emancipated in the United States — he immediately switched positions.
“Oh? It’s about honoring a moment in which white supremacy was beaten back? That makes me, as white person, have feelings, and those feelings make me uneasy,” Palumbicci whined. “Did anyone think to ask we melanin-deficient people how we’d feel about marking this day? Don’t liberals know that acknowledging racism is racist itself? It’s racist against racist people just because they’re white and racist! And it needs to stop or this country will never heal.”
After he slowed down and took a breath, Will said he could “still find a silver lining.”
“Okay, so it ain’t gonna be Juneteenth. Fine. I guess it’ll have to be date I told you all last week. The date I heard directly from Q that it’ll all go down,” Palumbicci explained. “So you libs out there better mark your calendars. August 43rd it’s going down. Get your popcorn, because it’s gonna be a show to end all shows!”
Palumbicci’s episode was ended prematurely when he was arrested during its taping for participating in the January 6th insurrection.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.