COUSIN LOVERS, MISSOURI — Jason Hubbard is a described “free market capitalist” with a Masters in economics. He is also a self-described conservative, and he also rates his chances of having sexual intercourse with a woman at “roughly not a chance in hell” because in his words, “women are really turned off by someone as smart” as he is. His lack of sexual opportunity, nor the fact that he has a penis and not female reproductive parts, however, does not prevent him from having very strong opinions on abortion.
“Unfortunately for me, women actually do listen to the stupid shit I say,” Hubbard told us, “so no, I have zero chance of getting laid.” However, he said, “That doesn’t mean that I can’t give you my opinion over and over again about abortion, mostly that it’s wrong and you’re a baby killing baby killer if you even remotely think there’s a reason that someone would have for ending a pregnancy most frequently in the first trimester when nearly half of all pregnancies naturally abort anyway.”
Hubbard told our reporter he’d also like to use the interview to “dispel some common libtard myths,” and he removed several Excel spreadsheets he’d created and printed at home, using data he got from various right-wing sources, and remembering to slice out any data that went against his biases, while also lumping things together that shouldn’t be and separating things that should stay grouped together. “The gender wage gap,” Mr. Hubbard said, “is all the fault of women not taking classes that will pay them huge amounts of money, and we shouldn’t at all compare wages for the same exact work done, and instead should lump it all together and average it out so that it makes the discrepancies smaller overall.”
On the subject of crime and gun control, Hubbard said that, “People are just automatically more violent and broke if they come from a house where Mom isn’t staying at home to care for the kids; it’s just science.” When shown a large list of famous people who came from single parent households and never went to prison or committed a violent act, Hubbard let out a long sigh and said, “Of course your liberal indoctrination academies — public schools if you’re too libtarded to get my joke — would tell you that. It’s poppycock. Here, look at this chart I made that proves me right and you wrong.”
“I’ll say this much,” Hubbard said at one point, “that guy in Colorado Springs doesn’t speak for all of us in the pro-life movement. However, why should we feel any more angry about him killing those innocent people than we do about doctors killing innocent babies, and by babies I mean by and large organisms that are weeks away from medical viability outside their mother’s womb to the point that they look like alien creatures, indistinguishable as anything human other than in its developmental stages?”
Telling us that he had “other misogynistic opinions no one wants to hear” other than on the subject of abortion, Hubbard told us as the interview was winding down that in his view “women are only allowed in combat because of uber-PC liberals” and that “we all know that women aren’t capable of feats of great strength. I mean, other than squeezing the vast majority of us out of their vaginae, but I mean, c’mon.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.