WASHINGTON, D.C. — For eight years, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was a constant thorn in President Barack Obama’s side. McConnell wielded his minority power and filibustered everything in Obama’s presidential agenda that he could. The Kentucky Republican held hundreds of federal judicial seats open, and rather famously blocked Obama from even getting a hearing for his final Supreme Court nominee, when Justice Antonin Scalia died.
In the Trump Era, however, McConnell reversed course. He loosened his spine enough to be able to get plenty of the president’s phallus into his mouth, forming a mutual bond out of each man’s desire to get what he wants at all costs imaginable. McConnell and Trump teamed up over the last four years and rushed hundreds of conservative judges, many who the American Bar Association said were not even qualified for the seats, onto lower court benches. But perhaps the longest lasting legacy of the McConnell-Trump political 69’ing will be the three Supreme Court justices they joined forces to confirm.
This morning, hours after McConnell and nearly every Senate Republican voted to confirm High Priestess Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court, McConnell was spotted walking into the rotunda. He was asked about how he feels, knowing that millions of Americans believe he’s a hypocrite for seating Barrett when Obama’s nominee, Judge Merrick Garland, didn’t get a single hearing, much less a vote.
McConnell laughed a laugh that sounded like someone’s soul escaping from their rectum.
“I sleep quite well, because some people need a little ambien to sleep, but all I need is some good old fashioned American cynical hypocrisy,” McConnell said, rubbing a chunk of coal between his fingers and then sniffing them. “The fact of the matter is that, your gotcha question aside, I don’t have any problems with consistency. I’ve always been very consistent with Supreme Court nominations.”
McConnell rubbed the coal between his fingers some more, closing his eyes, and rubbing an area roughly defined as his genitals with his other hand.
“From white Republicans,” McConnell said suddenly, snapping out of whatever trance he had put himself under, “I meant to say I’m always consistent with Supreme Court nominations from white Republicans. Which is, really, all that matters isn’t it? Just ask the American People, and by the American People I mean the 25-30% of Americans who still vote Republican.”
Barrett was confirmed with just eight days before the election. Millions of Americans have already cast so many ballots in the election that some areas have seen more votes cast with a week out than they had cast in 2016. Democrats can re-take control of the Senate by flipping 4-5 seats. President Trump is the first impeached president to seek re-election.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.