COAL BONER, KENTUCKY — President Donald Trump suggested during a recent coronavirus task force press briefing that he alone has the final say in whether parts of the U.S. economy open back up, and when. After playing an eyebrow raising video package that looked and felt like a campaign video, paid for by the taxpayers, Trump was taking questions and during one exchange, insisted that for presidents “authority is total.” America won its independence from monarchical rule over 240 years ago, but President Trump seems determined to rule by dictatorial fiat, at least when it comes to when and if large portions of the country will come out of social distancing and self-isolation lockdowns.
“When somebody is the president of the United States, the authority is total and that is the way it’s gonna be,” Trump told reporters. “It’s total. It’s total. And the governors know that.” He continued, “When somebody is the President of the United States, the authority is total.” CNN reporter Kaitlan Collins told Trump that his assertion is “not true,” to which he responded “enough” and later asserted that governors “need us one way or the other because ultimately it comes with the federal government.” (Daily Beast)
There are some even among Trump’s Republican Party that disagree with his assertion of total authority over the economy. Rep. Liz Cheney (R-WY) tweeted her disagreement this morning. Notably, however, she didn’t address Trump by name, directly. Instead, Cheney referred obliquely to the “federal government” not having “absolute power.”
The federal government does not have absolute power.
“The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.” United States Constitution, Amendment X
— Liz Cheney (@Liz_Cheney) April 13, 2020
“You didn’t expect a Cheney to show actual courage did you? Silly reporters,” Cheney told the media in an email. “Everyone should know by now that Cheney’s know how to talk about courage, we know how to recognize courage, but we let other people, hopefully young and poor people, do all the courageous stuff for us. Then, we collect the checks.”
Not every elected Republican agrees with Cheney, however. In fact, one of the most powerful and influential elected Republicans seemed to have a completely opposite point of view. Speaking to reporters while drenched in Trump’s cum, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell explained his thinking on presidential authority.
“Well now, I of course can only speak for myself, and I can only really say this with confidence when there’s a Republican in the White House,” McConnell said, rubbing a piece of coal all over his genitals as he spoke, “but I just don’t see what all the fuss is about a president saying he has total authority over things. Isn’t that what we Americans need right now, a kingly emperor of a president? I certainly think so.”
Wiping some of Trump’s baby batter from his brow, McConnell pressed on.
“The simple fact is, that from my perspective, Trump’s dick tastes like total authority to me,” McConnell insisted, “and that’s good enough for my constituents. It’s good enough for the American people, frankly. Now, I never got close enough to the previous guy’s dick to know, but I have to assume given that he was a Democrat, that his dick did not in fact taste like authority. I can only wage a guess, but I would say that it seems to me that guy’s dick tasted like a stolen Supreme Court Seat and hypocrisy. Check me on that though, because again, I just don’t know.”
Leader McConnell cited several of his colleagues’ confirmation of his view that Trump’s genitals have the distinct taste of authority in them.
“Congressman Nunes, Representative Jordan, Senators Cruz and Graham, they all say they agree with me,” McConnell announced. “Donald Trump’s dick tastes exactly like total authority to all of us. Now, I’m a simple man, with simple pleasures. And one of them is sucking authoritarian dick, provided of course the dick that I’m sucking is attached to someone who thinks rich people don’t have it easy enough already, that brown people are just not quite the right shade of American, and that women should be in the kitchen, not living their lives however they so choose. See? Simple.”
President Trump thanked McConnell on Twitter for the “bigly kind words about [his] dong taste.”
“Everyone knows my dong taste is good, of course,” Trump tweeted, “but it’s always nice to get recognition from your co-workers, right?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.