WASHINGTON, D.C. — A racist, gold digging birther stood before the nation last night, exploiting her own immigration story while she made a pitch for the American electorate to give her racist, lifelong fuck-up husband a second chance to be president for four years.
The same gold digging, racist birther asshole who gave the speech from the White House during the 2020 Republican National Convention is the woman seen in this interview clip below.
Her name is Melania Trump, and you might be surprised to find out she’s the First Lady of our country, not the woman who shares a bed with her husband, step-daughter Ivanka Trump. Last night, Mrs. Trump spoke about her story of immigrating to the United States, evoking rhetoric about the American dream and the promise of freedom that the U.S. gives to people.
However, as she was delivering the speech, there were still hundreds, perhaps even thousands, of brown-skinned children who were separated by force from their parents by the U.S. government at the border. The policy of family separation was set and enforced by Melania’s husband. So as she was touting her immigration and what immigration means to the country, irony was being stressed to its outer limits, according to several experts.
“I’ll be perfectly frank with you all, when Mrs. Trump gave her speech, she put the entire supply of irony in the world at risk,” World Irony Warehouse spokeswoman Carol Malloy told reporters this morning. “They’re gonna tell us that it’s not that ironic because she came here legally, but there are all kinds of questions about her own visa application, for starters. But let’s face facts — it’s a semantics argument to make a difference between legal and illegal immigration, because breaking immigration law isn’t even a felony.”
Malloy says that the RNC’s speeches outside of the First Lady’s are also causing “major stress” to the world’s supply of irony.
“Anytime someone who supports President Trump slams Democrats because they’re lawless or says that Trump is for law and order,” Malloy said, “we lose at least .5% of our irony supply because a lot of the speeches are being given from government property, breaking laws as they speak. This whole convention is about calling the guy who breaks every ethics law the ‘law and order’ candidate, so we’re bracing for a historic shortfall in irony.”
Ms. Malloy warns that if the RNC’s speakers don’t “drastically reduce their comical hypocrisy and farcical self-unawareness” it could completely and utterly destroy the world’s supply of irony.
“All I’m saying is that if Trump gets up there and starts talking about how Joe Biden’s kids are spoiled, entitled, or grifters,” Malloy said, “that could be it. If he calls anyone, and I mean anyone, racist, stupid, or incompetent, that could spell the end as well. God help us all if he accuses Biden of having impure thoughts about his family or cozying up to dictators. We’d all be so hosed.”
Watch Mrs. Trump’s speech from the 2020 Republican National Convention, below:
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.