MEXICO CITY, MEXICO — Several members of the Mexican government have signed an open letter to the people of the United States, offering to pay for the costs of having a pest control service come out the White House and “safely remove” what the letter referred to as “La Cucaracha Naranja Gigante.”
The letter, signed by over fifty different government officials from Mexico, reaffirms that they will not pay for President Trump’s proposed border wall. The letter also states, however, that the Mexican people are willing to invest some of their taxpayer dollars to help the United States in what the letter calls “her most desperate hour.”
“Dearest Neighbors of the North,” the letter opens, “we must take this time to inform you that your apricot-tinged president’s proposal for the people of Mexico to pay for his unnecessary and ineffective border wall has been and will continue to be rejected wholesale. Please understand, however, this does not mean the Mexican people are not willing to help our friend from the north in her most desperate hour.”
According to the letter, the Mexican government is willing to pay a “one time fee to any pest control service” the American people decide to have “la cucaracha naranja gigante safely and humanely removed or relocated to Manhattan, where he would be much more comfortable anyway.”
“We have talked it over among ourselves,” the letter goes on, “and we believe it’s not just in our best interest and your best interest, but rather in the entire world’s best interest if this particular cucaracha is removed sooner than later. Cucarachas are already disease-carrying pests, but this one is particular voracious in what it gobbles up. We’ve also heard some pretty disturbing stories about this breed of cucaracha kidnapping and taking gatos by force.”
The letter warns that if Americans do not “wise up and demand that their congress take the reasonable steps to remove this pestilent president” that they may regret it one day.
“The thing about cucarachas is that they multiply,” the letter says, “and they do it rapidly. Already you can see new cucarachas that la cucaracha naranja gigante recruited. There’s Tillerson, and Bannon, and naranja gigante’s son-in-law. If you don’t act now and get someone to catch and release these dangerous cucarachas from your government, there is no telling what they’ll eat up. These cucarachas feast on taxpayer programs and the social safety net.”
The Trump administration could not be reached for comment.
This satire first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.