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Thursday, September 28, 2023

Trump Demands Secret Service Arrest Michelle Obama For “Verbally Beating the Living Shit” Out of Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last night, the most surreal and unprecedented Democratic National Convention in quite some time kicked off with virtual speeches from several prominent politicians and political figures, and not just from the Democratic Party. John Kasich, a former Republican congressman and governor who failed in his 2016 primary bid against Donald Trump, was one notable speaker. However, the speech of the night was undoubtedly delivered by former First Lady Michelle Obama.

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In a measured but passionate speech, Mrs. Obama eviscerated Trump for his lack of leadership and preparation throughout the last four years, but in particular during the coronavirus pandemic outbreak. Mrs. Obama even updated her famous “when they go low, we go high” mantra from the 2016 election and explained that going high “doesn’t mean putting on a smile” and allowing yourself to be run over, but it means standing up for progressive American values.

Though in 2016 Mrs. Obama and her husband chose to have a more diplomatic tone when speaking about Trump, in her speech this year, she pulled no punches. In a passage that will probably live for the ages, Obama tore into Trump and declared he is “the wrong president” and “clearly in over his head.”

So let me be as honest and clear as I possibly can. Donald Trump is the wrong president for our country. He has had more than enough time to prove that he can do the job, but he is clearly in over his head. He cannot meet this moment. He simply cannot be who we need him to be for us. It is what it is. (CNN)

While her speech has been well-regarded all over the country, there is in fact one person who didn’t think too highly of her speech — President Donald J. Trump. From the Oval Office earlier this morning, he announced Michelle Obama’s speech had put him “in a bigly awful bind” and that he was forced to “take serious action in a major, powerful, forceful way.”

The president announced that he was instructing the Secret Service to arrest Mrs. Obama.

“This morning I have, after careful consideration while taking a dump and tweeting, decided to direct MY Secret Service to arrest Michelle Obama, immediately,” Trump said with anger in his voice. “Surely we can’t live in a country where someone can go on TV for the purpose of verbally beating the living shit out of a president, right? Surely we live in a country where I can punish people for speaking against me in such mean, horrible, nasty, ways, even if everything they say is completely true!”

Trump’s anger caused him to fart.

“It’s only true in a very mean, nasty way,” Trump argued. “So I’m sorry, but we don’t let our presidents get attacked. Not in this country, and not on my watch, Bub! That’s why Michelle Obama simply must be held accountable like I never can be for the crime of perfectly and succinctly arguing against my re-election. Unfair!”

The Secret Service has issued a statement in response to Trump’s demands that Michelle Obama be arrested. That statement is reprinted in its entirety below.

To Whom it May Concern,

While the Secret Service is always grateful for any tips that lead to the apprehension of people making threats to the President of the United States of America, we are unable to pursue every lead given to us. Even if that lead is given to us by the president. While it’s true that Mrs. Obama put one hell of a savage beat down on the president, she used her words. 

The president may not like the First Amendment, and he may see it as an obstacle to his power, but until Attorney General William Barr finds the legal authority for him to terminate it, we cannot arrest former First Lady Obama for her brutal verbal assault. We hope the president understands, but will not be surprised or shocked when it turns out he doesn’t.


Mrs. Obama did not comment on this story.

ALSO: Trump Wants USPS to Charge Democrats $200 a Stamp Until November 4th

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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