Kellyanne Conway Desperately Trying to Reach Michael Flynn Via The Microwave Network

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Thanksgiving Day may not have been a festive and joyous one down at Mar-A-Lago, where President Trump has been spending the weekend.

The White House is confirming at the time of publication that they are “urgently seeking contact” with former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn using a secret microwave communication. Sources report that Trump has ordered top adviser Kellyanne Conway to make contact with embattled former national security adviser Flynn, who it is being widely reported is now working with Robert Mueller’s special probe into Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election.

Flynn was forced to resign just days into his job with the Trump administration because he failed to disclose contacts with Russian representatives, and now the reports are surfacing that he has begun cooperating with Mueller’s probe, people close to the president are saying he’s quite nervous about what Flynn may tell Mueller’s investigators.

“We have been trying to contact Mr. Flynn for the last several hours,” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters, “just to talk about this very obvious witch hunt against President Trump that the media and Democrats are on, just because he’s never, like, been truthful at all about who in his campaign had contacts with Russians during the elections.”

Ms Conway said she is hopeful that Flynn has his microwave set to either “White House” or “Defrost” as those are the two settings used to initiate communication on the microwave network.

“The president understands that Mr. Flynn is a fine, upstanding grazhdanin,” Conway said, “and that only the liars with the gazety and on televizionnyy believe he did anything wrong. Sure, he fired Flynn because he lied to the Vice President. Sure, it’s seemed like his story has changed from moment to moment. Sure, he’s got shady ties to Russia, and sure he just asked for immunity after telling everyone last year if people ask for immunity they’re guilty…but does that really make someone guilty, comrades?”

Neither Conway nor Spicer was willing to share with the media any specifics of the conversation they’d like to have with Flynn, beyond their statements referring to the “witch hunt” Mr. Flynn is a victim of.

“No, I’m not going to tell you jerks anything,” Huckabee Sanders shouted at reporters, “Because you all are so obsessed with the process, not the substance. Sure, the process informs the substance, and the process is just as vital to founding out the truth and who broke any laws, but it needs to stop! It’s really hurting our feelings guys!”

More satire:

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