WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just before noon today, Vice President Mike Pence reportedly heaved the longest and loudest sigh of relief ever heard on the Hill, according to several sources close to the situation.
“Oh…oh thank Heavens,” Pence could be heard telling staffers today. “I was genuinely worried there for a minute that the president would be firing me any day now. I couldn’t be more grateful to the Supreme Court if they’d struck down Roe/Wade and put me in charge of all the disgusting, un-sexy vaginas in the country!”
This morning, in a landmark 6-3 ruling that saw two conservative justices — Chief Justice John Roberts and Trump appointee Neil Gorsuch — joining the court’s liberal judges in deciding that the 1964 Civil Rights act protects members of the LGBTQ+ community from employment discrimination. Social conservatives have long argued that the Civil Rights Act has been interpreted too broadly and that religious views of employers that put them against LGBTQ+ equality should also be respected. As reported in Politico, however, the high court has taken the view that sexual orientation are the same legally speaking as the color of one’s skin.
Writing for the court’s majority, Gorsuch accepted arguments that the Civil Rights Act of 1964’s prohibition on sex discrimination in employment also effectively banned bias based on sexual orientation or gender identity, even though few if any members of Congress thought they were doing that at the time. (Politico)
“I have to tell you, as good an arrangement as Mother and I have,” Pence was heard telling aides, “I’ve lived in fear of my secret getting out. My sexy, sexy secret. Every time I see a movie with that nice Dwayne Johnson fella, my fears worsen, even! I was just sure my secret would leak, and then President Trump would fire me, and I’d be powerless to stop him! Now, thanks to the Supreme Court, I’m safe no matter what.”
Pence told staffers he was “happy and pleased” when Neil Gorsuch was confirmed to the Supreme Court, because he was sure that the conservative judge would help dismantle abortion rights. However, Gorsuch’s opinion this morning made him “so giddy [his] trousers got super-duper tight in the crotch.” Vice President Pence said he “truly appreciates the peace of mind” the high court gave him today.
“Those who adopted the Civil Rights Act might not have anticipated their work would lead to this particular result. Likely, they weren’t thinking about many of the Act’s consequences that have become apparent over the years, including its prohibition against discrimination on the basis of motherhood or its ban on the sexual harassment of male employees,” Gorsuch wrote. (Politico)
To celebrate today’s ruling, Pence says he and Senator Lindsey Graham intend to have a “private, two-man party” that they’ll have catered by “anyone other than Chick-Fil-A.”
“First we’re gonna hit up the Brass Rail for a few cocks,” Pence said. “That’s what we call cocktails because we’re so busy, you see, that we don’t have time to say the whole word. So once we get our fill of cocks at the bar, we’ll go home for a nightcap and a few more cocks. Except this time I’m talking about penises.”
Reportedly, Rick Santorum could also end up joining Pence and Graham.
“If Rick can stop thinking about butt sex long enough to come out and have a few cocks with us,” Pence was heard telling someone on the phone, “I think he’d have a really great time! Hopefully he decides to join us for those cocks!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.