KABUL, AFGHANISTAN — Vice President Mike Pence embarked on his first trip to Afghanistan this week, which was a surprise visit for security reasons. Today Pence shocked perhaps the entire world when he announced while in the country that he is joining the Taliban.
“I know we’ve been helping the Afghani people fight the Taliban for many years now, almost a decade and a half,” Vice President Pence said while touring a military installation. “But after I randomly ran into a Talib cleric, he and I decided to just see if we could talk things out, zealot to zealot.”
Pence told reporters that to his surprise, he and the Taliban cleric have a lot more in common than he would have ever guessed.
“They want to suppress educational materials that don’t conform to their religious beliefs, and I think sex education is best administered between 30 year old Alabama judges and 14 year old girls,” Pence said as one example of the common ground between the two men. “And when he told me that they like to throw homosexuals off rooftops from time to time, I won’t lie. I got a little jealous.”
At some point, Pence says he realized there might be an opportunity to leverage what the Taliban and American Christianity have in common, instead of fighting over what they disagree on.
“I realized it made no sense to hate gays and subjugate women by myself when we could hate gays and subjugate women together,” Pence said with an ear to ear smile on his face. “And I asked him, point blank, if there was a place for me in the Taliban. He accepted my request to join without hesitation.”
Vice President Pence wrapped up his speech and thanked everyone for attending. Mr. Pence said this trip was a “real eye opener” for him, and put the world’s problems into a “new, clearer perspective for him.”
“I had no idea we both wanted a theocratic, despotic government,” Pence said. “Small world, eh?”