WASHINGTON, D.C. — The man who will potentially take over for outgoing White House economic adviser Kevin Hassett told reporters today that the Trump administration has a radical new approach to minimum wage that they’d like to see in the next federal budget.
Tom Thompaulsen, a Republican elected state representative who is no stranger to the media, says that he hopes to have Hassett’s job in a few weeks, and that his new budget proposal should be a “rallying cry” for fiscal conservatives. Thompaulsen says his budget will do “exactly what Republicans want budgets do” which is to slash taxes on the top tiers and privatize social programs. However, Thompaulsen says that he intends to add one more gift to the American right-wing in the new budget — killing the minimum wage altogether.
“I ask you this,” began Thompaulsen at a recent press conference in front of Knavery Financial — an investment brokerage company run by Charles Knavery, heir to the Knavery Capital empire — “what good ever comes of government trying to help anything? Government can’t do anything right. Government is terrible at everything it does. The minimum wage is no different, and that’s why it’s time for it to go.”
His staffers say that Thompaulsen is not completely set on adding language to strip the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938 of its establishment of a minimum wage, but that he is definitely leaning that direction.
“When the FLSA was passed, minimum wage was twenty-five cents an hour. Maybe if it stayed at that rate,” Thompaulsen said, “I’d be singing another tune. After all, I think two-bits for an hour’s worth of hard work is a fair deal, but the fact is this out of control government spending has raised that rate to a whopping $7.25 an hour! What business can afford to pay its employees at that rate? That’s an increase of more than 28 times over eighty years!”
“Government spending is evil,” Rep. Thompaulsen said as he adjusted the tie he paid for out of his taxpayer salary, “There’s nothing worse than government spending, but government picking winners and losers by choosing who gets paid what wage? That’s a pretty darned close second if you ask me.”
Thompaulsen says there’s a major economic reason to lower the minimum wage to zero as well.
“The simple fact is, and fiscal conservatives have been saying this since 1938, that a minimum wage suppresses employment, ” Mr. Thompaulsen said, continuing, “We know for a fact that raising the minimum wage causes a rise in unemployment. Of course by ‘fact’ we mean ‘after cherry picking all the studies that show us the conclusion we want.’ So if we reduce the minimum wage to zero dollars and zero cents an hour, we should see 0% unemployment!”
“We could have stopped the Great Recession in its tracks,” Thompaulsen claimed, “if we had told those three-quarters of a million people losing their jobs each month that they could get right back in the work force if they’d accept sharecroppers’ wages! We need to take down the barriers between allowing someone to volunteer for slavery and the Federal government.”
A reporter from The Ft. Georgia Observer asked Thompaulsen if having no minimum wage ensured full employment, why the Great Depression wasn’t over on October 30th, 1929 when everyone who lost their jobs could just go and work for free.
Thompaulsen blinked twice.
“Oh I see, you went to a liberal indoctrination college,” Rep. Thompaulsen surmised, “I bet you think Calvin Coolidge was a bad president huh? Well, I’ll remind you that FDR built internment camps for the Japanese and other bad stuff too, so, um. Benghazi that, dude. Benghazi that.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.