MT. FECKLESS, ILLINOIS — 43 year old Suzie Susanton is a lifelong registered Democrat. She comes from a working class background, and has always been a supporter of equality “in every sense of the word,” she says. For years, Suzie has told all her friends how important it is to vote for the Democratic candidate for president, no matter who it is, because they at least had a vision of a better, more inclusive, fairer version of the country that she says has her “full and complete support.”
But now, with the prospect of facing Donald Trump in November, Suzie’s worried her party might nominate “too extreme of a candidate” to defeat him.
“If we nominate Warren or Sanders, will that alienate voters? I’m nervous about that, I really am,” Suzie was overheard telling her friends at lunch the other day. “I mean, sure, the people who are completely in the bag for Trump wouldn’t vote for Ronald Reagan with a D next to his name, but shouldn’t we care about not looking too extreme? For some Americans, the idea of healthcare being a right in this country like it is in every other first world country is too extreme, and I’m just so darned worried that it won’t work out for us!”
Suzie believes that perhaps the party faithful should consider throwing their support behind Mike Bloomberg, the billionaire former Republican Mayor of New York City. She admits that if he were still a Republican it would “be something different,” and that she’s “not happy with how he’s treated and talked about women,” but Suzie is much more concerned with the nominee being labeled a socialist.
“Sure, we’ve had versions of socialism in this country for decades and it has improved the general welfare of the populace,” Susanton admitted to her friends. “No matter what, they’re going to call anyone we nominate a socialist, because they did that to literally every candidate since FDR, who was the last social democrat this country has elected anyway. But, still, maybe the idea that rich people have it well enough in this country already is just too radical an idea for our friends in the heartland to believe right now.”
Beating Trump is only thing on her mind, Suzie says, so it dominates her thoughts and deliberations on who to support in the primary.
“Isn’t getting Trump out of office the priority now? If so, we need to maybe be willing to elect our own billionaire with a penchant for denigrating women and supporting racist policies,” Suzie insisted. “Think about it! Fight fire with fire, and fight plutocracy with plutocracy. It makes sense to me, and I’m sure it’ll make sense to everyone not in an ivory tower of coastal elitism, which is exactly why we need to consider nominating our own billionaire New Yorker!”
Susanton urges her fellow Democrats to be “cautious and patient” in this election cycle.
“Sure, we all want a better future for our kids. We want to ensure our daughters have the same opportunities our sons do,” Suzie said, “and we want our grandkids to have a planet to play and learn and grow on, and we want them to have a wonderful life full of happiness and fulfillment regardless of their race, orientation, or creed. But all of that has to take a backseat to beating Trump to the point that, yes, we should probably nominate a guy who was a rich-ass Republican not more than five years ago. Because logic and common sense can and should be abandoned in an election year.”
Will Suzie “vote blue no matter who,” though, as she’s urged so many of her friends and neighbors to do in the past?
“Yes, I will still vote blue no matter who,” Suzie told her friends, “but I’ll do it with a lot more furrowed brow this time though.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.