65 F
Los Angeles
Wednesday, May 31, 2023

She’s One of Congress’ Loudest Pro-Life Voices. Ironically, She’s Also a Botched Abortion.

Every Sunday, a devout evangelical believer of Secret Jewish Space Lasers devotes at least one post on her Facebook page to the topic of abortion.

She is one of the loudest pro-life voices in the House of Representatives, and is not shy about criticizing those who consider themselves pro-choice. One could accuse freshman Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) of many things, but not being a passionate defender of the government’s right to choose that all rape babies are born is certainly not one them.

Gazpacho Police Announce Massive Counterfeit Oyster Cracker Bust

In an unforeseen, new development, though, there’s a particular irony to how Greene feels about abortion. Because Marjorie Taylor Greene is an abortion.

A botched abortion, at any rate.

A new report in DC Rumors Weekly Magazine indicates that Rep. Greene is the offspring of a flaming cross and a bag of feces. The alleged details of Greene’s conception are quite graphically re-told, sparing nobody’s appetite.

An excerpt from the article is reprinted, below:

One night in late 1973, a flaming cross and a bag of feces met at a dance hall in rural Georgia. While romantic sparks flew almost immediately, the flaming cross did have to fight off a confederate flag for the chance to woo the bag of feces that would one day become the mother of his equine-featured domestic terrorist congressmare.

After several weeks of tension, the flaming cross was able to defeat the confederate flag in a pistol duel at dawn, and won the hand of the bag of feces. Within weeks, the romance had produced a pregnancy. The bag of feces was going to make the flaming cross a father.

The bloom fell off the rose rather quickly, though, and after one particularly nasty fight, the flaming cross and the bag of feces broke up. By that point, the State of Georgia would not allow the bag of fecal matter to get an abortion, so according to the DC Rumors article, the bag took its life, and matters, into its own hands.

The flaming cross sought out and obtained an illegal, back alley abortion.

However, the procedure went awry. Horribly awry, in fact. Doctors and nurses in the room described the situation as being “something out of a nightmare where you wake up, and there’s still a shit-smeared flaming cross crammed all the way up your asshole.” The would-be abored fecal tainted flaming crosslet came out “making such a horrific and horrible noise” that medical staff fled the room for their own safety.

“One thing leads to another, then bing-bang-boom, the botched abortion survives, joins Crossfit, fucks around on its husband, starts spreading the QAnon bullshit, believes in secret Jewish Space Lasers, and then ends up being elected to Congress in 2020,” one nurse is quoted as saying.

“It was easily one of the worst days of my life, and to this day I have nightmares about the cross baby that grew up and become a horse faced domestic terrorist troll.”

Rep. Greene’s office did not provide a comment on this story.


Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
Latest news
Related news


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.



Popular categories