The following is an open letter to the American people written by President Donald J. Trump and released by the White House today. Mr. Trump was attempting to respond to the impeachment proceedings against him currently underway by House Democrats. While Trump’s surrogates and fellow Republicans have never quite directly defended his actual conduct with the Ukrainian president, and his attempts to force him to authorize new investigations into former Vice President Biden’s son, this new letter is a direct step in that direction. In it, Trump admits that he tried to get Biden and his son investigated to help him win next year’s election, however, he says he had “very legal, very cool, bigly important” reason for doing so.
That reason? Nepotism, which Trump says is “literally the worst thing anyone can do.” In fact, President Trump gave his open letter a title specifically addressing his reason for wanting to investigate Biden. We present his letter to the American people in its entirety, below.
“Why Nepotism Is Wrong Unless You Also Want to Bang That Child”
by President Donald Trump
My fellow Americans, at least if you voted for me, and if you didn’t then “fuck you,” but anyway, they told me to start the letter that way, so I’m doing it, though I’d really argue that I’m only president to the real Americans that voted for me…anyway…
Yes, I very much so demanded that Ukraine investigate Joe Biden’s son Hunter. Yes, I did so because I wanted it to help me win next year’s election. But unlike what the jerk cuck Democrats are telling you all, I had a very legal, and bigly good reason to ensure that I be the one who win next year! And that reason is very easy to understand if you understand that I was trying to put a stop to Hunter Biding and Burisma doing literally the worst thing anyone can do, ever.
And that thing is: NEPOTISM.
That’s right. Nepotism, the process by which someone is rewarded with financial benefit for no other reason than they’re related to someone who can give them such rewards, is why I decided that I simply must win next year’s election, no matter what. For the record, Attorney General Billy Barr says I’m totally within my rights to force myself to be the winner next year, as long as I’m president. So pretty much whatever I say goes.
But back to the subject of nepotism, it’s just wrong. When my dear old klan wizard father handed me the first million bucks I used to start a business, he told me to feel free to run that business into the ground, because he wasn’t okay with nepotism, and he wasn’t going to just come along behind me and fix all the times I screwed up. Did he? Yes. And did he only give me that money because he blew his white robe clad sperm into my mommy’s just-as-racist snatch? Of course! However, let me just go on and ignore all the stuff I just said.
Nepotism is wrong. It’s just wrong. Can you imagine how bad it would be to have a president who is a bumbling idiot that gives highly paid jobs to people just because he’s related to them, just
And before anyone says it — NO! Jared Kushner working for my administration is NOT nepotism in action. Because I’m not related to Jared by blood. For some reason Ivanka wants to bang him and be married to him. You’d think she already had all the lovin’ she needed in her life, but whatever, I can’t stop her from making questionable decisions. The point is that I gave Jared the job I did for totally non-nepotistic reasons. Such as…OH WOW LOOK AT THAT THING OVER THERE!
My sons, Donald Jr. and Eric, know how much I hate nepotism. When I put them on the board of the Trump organization, I did it because they are clearly very smart people who deserve a good job. Not because I literally shot my gross jizz into a woman and made them. I can promise you, I give them no special treatment for being my sons! In fact, you can ask them this, I usually treat them piss-poorly and shit all over them whenever I get the chance!
As I was telling my beautiful daughter IVANKA while we dined in the bedroom the other night, nepotism is so so bad. That’s why I always make sure she proves to me she’s good at any job I give her. And let me tell you folks, there’s one job that Ivanka does that I won’t give to anyone else in my life, not even my wife. That’s how good she is at that one…very specific, very wet, usually quick and reluctant but otherwise quite enjoyable and commendable job! But I won’t give her any job just because she’s my daughter. She, like everyone else in my life, has to prove she’s doing something outside of being related to me to get favors from me. And boy do I get favors from her…
…okay, look, I was going to end this letter here, but some stupid piece of shit who works for me came in and said that technically what I do with my BEAUTIFUL IVANKA could be considered nepotism. That sounds wrong to me. That sounds like Bob-Mueller-Angry-Democrat-Nervous-Nancy-Full-of-Schiff news to me! But you know what I’m a big boy. I can admit when maybe I need to correct myself. So here goes. Before I wrap this up, let me just say it a little differently.
Nepotism is wrong, unless you also want to bang that child. Shouldn’t have to say it, because, duh! But there you go. I fixed it. Now we can all get on with life and you can stop bothering me!
Your President Literally Forever,
David Dennison John Barron
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.