ISIS Offers NRA’s Wayne LaPierre Interim Position

SOMEWHERE IN SYRIA — This morning, the New York Attorney General announced that her state has filed a suit against the National Rifle Association, seeking its dissolution, alleging years of wanton fraud and financial abuse.

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In a press conference, New York AG Letitia James announced the suit, claiming that the NRA and specific board members including Executive Vice President and CEO Wayne LaPierre, had used the non-profit as a personal slush fund. Court documents allege millions of dollars were spent inappropriately. James cited her recent case against the Trump Foundation in which she forced President Donald J. Trump’s charity to disband in a legal settlement as the precedent for her suit against the NRA.

The NRA was registered as a non-profit in New York back in 1871, which AG James said gives her state the jurisdiction to file the suit.

The lawsuit also claims that LaPierre received more than $1.2 million in expense reimbursements over four years, including gifts for friends, travel expenses and memberships at golf clubs and hotels.

And it alleges that he spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on private plane trips, including for extended family when he was not present; traveled to Africa with his wife on a safari gifted by an NRA vendor, and spent more than $3.6 million on luxury black car services and travel consultants in the last two years. (NPR)

It seems a foregone conclusion that the NRA will fight the lawsuit quite hard. Whatever the legal strategy for fighting the lawsuit might be, it could be reasonably presumed that some of the NRA’s top execs might be out of a job and needing work soon. Mr. LaPierre, thanks to a perhaps unforeseen, surprise ally, might have a little less to worry about when it comes to his own financial future.

“This morning, when ISIS was made aware of AG James’ lawsuit against the NRA, we got word to Mr. LaPierre,” an unnamed spokesterrorist for ISIS told reporters from an undisclosed location. “We offered him an interim position with our firm. We feel that ISIS and the NRA share very similar goals and that Mr. LaPierre has significant experience in enabling the deaths of millions of of Americans.”

ISIS thinks LaPierre “would fit like a round in a magazine.”

“Everyone here thinks it’s great when Americans kill other Americans, just like Wayne,” the spokesterrorist explained, “as long as he’s getting a cut of the action. That situation would remain very similar for Wayne. He helps us kill Americans, for a paycheck. We think his learning curve wouldn’t be too steep at all, really. After all, when you’ve worked for a domestic terror organization, working for a foreign one isn’t too much different.”

If LaPierre doesn’t feel comfortable taking a position with a terrorist group that isn’t a domestic one, ISIS is hoping they can at least retain his services as a consultant.

“We just want to pick his brain on messaging, because almost no one is better than the NRA at convincing Americans that they want to kill other Americans,” the spokesterrorist said. “If we could just learn a few cool marketing tips from Wayne, that would be worth whatever we paid him, for sure.”

Mr. LaPierre was too busy literally lubing up and fucking a firearm to comment on this story.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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