NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The City of New York has extended an offer to one of its most famous former residents, hoping to quell an emerging feud between him and the Big Apple. President Donald Trump has been told by the Manhattan Street and Alley Commission that they were instructed by Mayor Bill de Blasio to send a letter to the White House, offering to have the words “ORANGE LIES MATTER” painted in front of Trump Tower, instead of “Black Lives Matter.”
Though most men who have held the office wouldn’t have trifled such local affairs, President Trump waded into the topic of what, if anything, the message painted on 5th Avenue should be. The mayor and many on the city council agreed that given the current unrest in many major metropolitan areas, and to send a sign of solidarity with the African American community, to have the phrase “Black Lives Matter” painted on 5th, and the words would be painted right in front of Trump Tower. The president himself has disparaged the Black Lives Matter movement in the past, and has tried to lump them in with people he refers to as “Antifa” or “agitators” at protests over police brutality.
Just this morning, President Trump tweeted his displeasure at de Blasio and the city council. Trump suggested that New York police should abandon the city because painting “Black Lives Matter” on the street shows the mayor “hates & disrespects” the NYPD.
….horrible BLM chant, “Pigs In A Blanket, Fry ‘Em Like Bacon”. Maybe our GREAT Police, who have been neutralized and scorned by a mayor who hates & disrespects them, won’t let this symbol of hate be affixed to New York’s greatest street. Spend this money fighting crime instead!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) July 1, 2020
New York City’s letter to President Donald J. Trump, reprinted verbatim, below:
|Dear President Donald John “Manositos” Trump,
How you doin’? You doin’ good, pal? That’s good. That’s real nice. Nice to hear ya doin’ so good. Sure, a lotta your fellow former New Yorkers aren’t doin’ so hot on account-a that fuckin’ epidemic shit you really kangaroo-fucked us into, but hey! No worries, friend-o. We mean you didn’t mean to, or you didn’t have good information because of China, or whatever bullshit you’re saying this week.
Besides, all that bullshit isn’t even why we’re sending you this letter, anyway.
We couldn’t help but notice your very public, very loud tantrum over the whole “painting Black Lives Matter” on Fifth Ave thing. You gotta calm the frig down, sir, if you don’t mind us sayin’. You’re gonna either shit your adult underoos, or give yourself an enormous heart attack, and while a lotta people would probably rejoice in the streets if either of those things happen — just bein’ honest, ya Mook! — we don’t wanna be responsible for killing 30 million people’s reality-TV PatriotMessiah™, so we had a thought.
Since you already drew attention to what we were gonna paint on Fifth — “BLACK LIVES MATTER” — you’ve already drawn attention the fact that New York stands firm with our African American brothers and sisters in protesting unlawful, unjust, cruel, and violent police tactics that allow officers to kill black men and women with impunity, we can agree to paint something else on Fifth Avenue, but it really must be in front of Trump Tower. As you are fond of telling people, it’s just such a beautiful building, and it makes just the perfect backdrop for this, so we’re sure you’ll understand.
Anyway, if you’re too racist to say “black lives matter” as if it doesn’t also mean “all lives matter,” that’s fine. We’ll paint “ORANGE LIES MATTER” on the street instead. How’s that? It seems right now that orange lies matter a whole lot, particularly when they get people infected with COVID-19.
We’re sure you’ll agree to this deal, but just in case, we’ll hold off on painting either phrase for another day or two, to give whatever fart and hamburger cocktail you call your brain figures out the choice you’re going to make.
Go Fuck Ya’self,
New York City
The White House has yet to respond to New York’s offer.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.