WASHINGTON, D.C. — A reporter from One American News asked the president a rather unforeseen and unprecedented question today during a White House press briefing on the response to COVID-19. The question has been called a “softball to end all softballs” by one longtime media veteran, and another called it the “WTF moment to end all WTF moments during an era of non-stop WTF moments.”
“Mr. President, sir, why do you think Democrats have a hard time accepting your very normal sized hands and huge genitals? Do you think this is treasonous, or just plain unpatriotic,” OAN reporter Channel Rion asked Trump during the briefing. “It seems like instead of focusing on whether you saying racist things makes you racist, they should dig deep, look inside themselves, and decide if they’re going to be cucks their whole life, or if they’re going to accept how bigly normal your hands are, and how bigly yuge your dong is. Would you agree with that, Mr. Dear President, sir?”
President Trump smiled a self-satisfied smile. He nodded his head in faux-deference to Ms. Rion. There was a slight pause as the president looked up in thought, perhaps thinking about how to answer the question. That moment lasted a little longer than it would take most sentient life forms, but soon, the sound and smell of a presidential fart permeated the air in the briefing room. Trump had completed his thought process.
“First of all, what a tremendous question. Wasn’t that a great question, ladies and gentlemen,” Trump asked the assembled reporters, which was a much smaller group because of COVID-19 concerns. “Really, I’m impressed! I bet you probably came up with that truly spectacular question all on your own, too! Your outlet is the bigly best, I have to say. Folks, let’s give this fine young lady, which I’m not saying in the Ivanka-sense of the word fine by the way, a round of applause.”
Trump began applauding. When no one else in the room applauded, he turned and looked at the members of his administration at the podium with him. With a sour look, he coaxed a round of applause out of them. The rest of the reporters simply sat and waited for the applause to die down.
“Thank you, truly, thank you That is, by far, the best, most insightful question I’ve been asked since becoming president,” Trump told the OAN reporter. “Now, as for an answer? Let me think about that for a couple seconds, if you don’t mind.”
Another sound and smell of presidential farting flooded everyone’s nostrils.
“Okay, I’ve thought about it,” Trump said once the fart smell had fully permeated the room. “Yes, they should all be very ashamed of themselves. I cannot tell you why they seem incapable of accepting reality — that I have normal hands and giant genitals, but I know they should be ashamed. And apologize. And frankly, probably, be put in jail for this.”
Senator Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Rectum) said he completely agrees with the president.
“I completely agree with the president,” Graham told a right-wing talk radio host yesterday. “They’re just rude and live in a fantasy land. Did they not see how kind and respectful we all were toward Obama? So ridiculous. There’s not one Benghazi you can pin on Trump, but here we are, all sure that he’s corrupt just because he does corrupt things and he’s inept just because he does stupid shit. They should apologize right now to him. And yes, probably put in jail for hurting his feelings.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.