WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former President Barack H. Obama (D-Kenya) has reached out to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and offered to let her use the long form version of his birth certificate to print any articles of impeachment against sitting President Donald J. Trump.
Yesterday, Speaker Pelosi stunned the country when she announced that doctors had performed a successful spinal implant procedure. On an unrelated note, Pelosi said, she also finally found the constitutional authority she was given by the voters in last year’s midterm authority to hold Trump accountable. Apparently, Pelosi said, her constitutional powers had slipped behind her bedroom dresser, and she didn’t see it there until she moved it to look for a sock, which she couldn’t do until she had her spinal surgery.
“It was there the whole time! Boy do I feel silly,” Pelosi would be overheard telling aides yesterday. “Anyway, let’s go impeach this motherfucker, shall we?”
Moments later, Pelosi was delivering an historic speech. It was time, she told the American public, for her to authorize six House committees to begin full and open impeachment investigations into Trump. Perhaps surprising to some, Pelosi didn’t make mention of the Mueller Report, or the multiple instances of alleged obstruction of justice committed by Trump. Instead, she and the House are focused first on the explosive new scandal in the Trump administration — the president’s attempts to strongarm Ukraine into helping him tank Joe Biden’s campaign.
Reportedly, while he has managed to stay mostly out of the public spotlight during Trump’s presidency, Mr. Obama decided that he could use the impending impeachment process against Trump as a means to fundraise for his various charitable causes. Former President Obama reached out to Pelosi and told her he’d like to get a copy of the articles of impeachment that the House investigations may lead to. Obama would then take the articles and print them on copies of his long form birth certificate.
“Then, Nancy, I’d be able to sell them as postcards to people, and we’ll give the proceeds to charity,” Obama wrote in a letter to the Speaker. “I’ll be sure to send a copy to Don at the White House with a note that says, ‘Hey there Mr. President, I know you’ve been looking for this for some time, and I wanted you to have it. Make sure you turn it over and read the whole thing.'”
Obama estimates that he could make “billions of dollars” for charity if he finds the right price point for the birth certificate/articles of impeachment.
“This guy is the least popularly elected president with the lowest approval ratings of any president ever,” Obama wrote Pelosi. “Think about it! We could sell these MFs for buck apiece and we’d make an absolute mint! Speaking of minting, do you know if our secret plans to remove ‘In God We Trust’ from the coins is still underway, thanks to our Super Secret Socialist Deep State agents? Let me know when you get a chance. I can’t wait to put ‘Allahu Akbar’ on it instead.”
Mr. Trump was the loudest, most famous member of the so-called “Birther” movement. In short, Birthers believed and still believe that Mr. Obama is not a legal U.S. citizen and was ineligible to be president in the first place. It’s unclear, exactly why the previous 43 presidents weren’t asked to prove their citizenship so forcefully, but once the white reason is determined, this story will be updated.
“He’s been after me for this thing for a long time. Now, I think, finally, is the perfect time for him to get it,” Obama wrote. “It’s the perfect time for him to get a hot poker up his ass too, but all in due time, all in due time. In Soros’ name we pray, Hail Satan!”
Speaker Pelosi has not, as of yet, responded to Obama’s offer. The White House also did not comment on this story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.