WASHINGTON, D.C. — In 1971, the Uniform Monday Holidays Act was passed by Congress and signed into law by former President Richard M. Nixon. The law officially combined two federal holidays in the month of February meant to celebrate the birthdays and lives of Presidents George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. The two remain perhaps the most popular U.S. presidents of all time, but for nearly 50 years now, the country has celebrated their birthday in a holiday that has come to be recognized as celebrating the lives of all presidents, known as Presidents Day.
In a rare sign of congeniality that reaches across the partisan divide, former President Barack Obama reportedly sent a handcrafted greeting card to his successor, President Donald John Trump. Obama’s card was emblazoned with the greeting, “HAPPY IMPEACHED PRESIDENTS DAY!” and in the card, Obama placed a gift card worth a free yearly subscription to Netflix. A handwritten note was written on the card’s inside.
“Donny, hope you’re enjoying your first Impeached Presidents Day,” Obama wrote, “on what could be your last Presidents Day in office. I hope you find the time to reflect on your place in our great nation’s history, as just the third man to ever be formally impeached. I’m sure it must bring you great honor and pride, knowing it took a completely nakedly corrupt jury of your cowed partymates to clear you of the crimes you admitted to committing, on the White House lawn no less!”
The Netflix gift card, Obama wrote, was so that Trump could watch “An American Factory,” a documentary about an Ohio plant that was purchased by a Chinese billionaire. Mr. Obama and his wife Michelle won Academy Awards for producing the film last week.
“There’s actually a ton of fun content on there, too, in case watching the film Michelle and I just got Oscars for is too triggering,” Obama wrote. “We certainly don’t want to trigger you into a fit and watch as you order a nuclear strike on Hollywood, Donny. We just figured since you don’t like to pay for anything yourself, anyway, a year of free Netflix is the perfect gift for you. There are all kinds of documentaries on World War II on Netflix, too. Just remember when you watch them — you’re not supposed to root for the guys with swastikas on their helmets.”
Obama appears to attempt to head-off any malcontent his card might produce within Trump by reminding him he’s “one of just three people” worthy of even receiving such a card.
“I know you like to feel special, Donny. Think about how special you are! You are one of just three people ever to be worthy of a card like this,” Obama wrote to Trump, “and one of them is dead! Hell, you’re the first impeached Republican ever! You should take a bow for that. Some might say impeachment has permanently stained your legacy, but given that every time you eat McDonald’s you stain your shirt, tie, and pants, I know that stains don’t bother you. If stains bothered you, you’d have fired Stephen Miller a long time ago.”
The White House has not announced as of yet what the president did with Obama’s card. Shouts, screams, and sobs were heard coming from the Oval Office after the card was delivered. However, as one aide told us, that might not mean anything.
“This is a man who cries when he runs out of dipping sauces for chicken nuggies,” our source told us, “and swears and yells when he sees someone other than himself on Fox News. So who knows what was going on in there.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.