Trump Wants Pledge Changed to “One Nation, Under Q”

WASHINGTON, D.C. —  It’s long been wondered just how much of President Donald Trump’s base is made up of people who also happen to believe in the “Q-Anon” conspiracy theory. While we don’t have time to get into what “Q-Anon” is in this article, readers can simply go take a dump and before flushing, stick their heads into the bowl, and then they’ll at the very least have a better understanding of the intellectual depth at the heart Q-Anon.

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In general, Q-Anon can be summarized as the belief that President Donald Trump was sent by God to rid the country of a secret cabal of devil-worshiping pedophiles. It’s like the “Pizzagate” conspiracy, with a few twists. This week, President Trump managed to still shock some people when he not only didn’t denounce Q-Anon, but he seemed to almost defend them because he thinks they like him.

In fact, President Trump actually gave the group praise, saying “they love our country” like he does. Trump appeared to draw a favorable comparison and connection between himself and Q-Anon. Presidential historians have noted that it’s the first time since President Reagan embraced trickle down economics that a president has embraced something fictional quite so dramatically.

Today, President Trump double-down on his praise of Q-Anon, and took it one step further. Speaking to reporters after he delivered a long-winded, meandering speech in Scranton, Pennsylvania, Trump said he not only “respects Q-Anon bigly,” he wants Congress to make a change that he says will “pay them the tribute they so richly deserve.”

“I want Congress to officially change the Pledge of Allegiance,” Trump told the press pool. “I want it to say ‘One nation, under Q’ because honestly, who needs God when you have Trump anyway?”

Reverend Jerry Falwell Jr., who had been with Trump for his speech today, just smiled and gave the president a thumbs-up. Pat Robertson, reached for comment, told us that “Trump is probably right” and that “God is a good backup for Trump.”

“These Q-people, I think they’re pretty fine people themselves. A couple of ’em might carry a tiki torch — so what? The Democrats want you to stop caring where people pee-pee and poo-poo,” Trump complained. “So who is more worser, uh, you know, worshhhh, um, worse, for America? Boom. ROASTED.”

Watch president Trump praise Q-Anon believers, below:

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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