WASHINGTON, D.C. — While the world waits and hopes for a COVID-19 vaccine to be developed, the President of the United States says he doesn’t want people to “lose sight of an even deadlier disease” and has launched a new task force aimed and finding a vaccine for it as expeditiously as possible.
Operation Warp Speed is the effort started by the Trump administration to develop a coronavirus vaccine as quickly as is possible. Now, President Trump says an additional task force has been created, and it’s sole purpose is to find a vaccine for a disease he’s been “personally fighting against,” he said, for over a decade. A windmill cancer vaccine must be developed, President Trump insisted during an Oval Office meeting with various CEOs this morning, and it must be developed even faster than the COVID-19 vaccine.
“It’s gonna be called Operation Ludicrous Speed,” Trump boasted to reporters. “Because we need to go faster than warp, you see. The nerds in the labs told me we can’t move too quickly on any vaccine, and that if we’re gonna go ludicrous speed they need more preparation. I told them all to go fuck themselves, fired them, and put my two sons Eric and Don Jr in charge of doing the research. Bought them their own microscopes and labcoats and everything.”
President Trump told reporters he believes that the U.S. Armed Forces could play a vital role in Operation Ludicrous Speed, and so he’s tapped one of his most trusted Majors to lead the taskforce.
“I want to introduce to this man here, Major Thomas Asshoal,” Trump said as he pointed to the man standing just behind him. “Major Asshoal just got done telling me that he plans to enlist the help of several of his cousins and siblings, who will also work on the task force with him. I’ve told him to feel free to surround himself with his family if he wants, I know I’ve always enjoyed having at least one specific, very sexy, very blonde, big-tittied family member of mine around me at the workplace, so I can relate.”
During the same meeting, President Trump gave updates on a few other high-profile projects his administration has undertaken lately.
“I just wanted to also update you all and let you know my big, glorious wall is still very much so under construction, and that Mexico will totally, absolutely, probably, maybe, who knows it could happen, pay for it one day, we’ll see,” Trump said. “Also, our MegaMaid operation is well underway, and we expect to be able to suck the fresh air out of any planet we encounter soon enough.”
Operation Ludicrous Speed will begin holding weekly briefings starting in June. When a wind cancer vaccine has been developed, the president has assured the public that Trumpcare will cover it.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.