CORUSCANT — In an emergency address, Emperor Sheev Palpatine confirmed that the Death Star’s primary weapon was used against the planet Alderaan, which until very recently resided in the galaxy’s inner core, not far from the capital. While the Emperor confirmed that Alderaan had been destroyed by his authority, vested in Grand Moff Tarkin, he stopped short of taking responsibility for the millions of citizens who cried out in terror, shortly before being silenced.
Instead, Palpatine put the blame for the violence squarely on “AntiSith anarchists,” which he claims have started forming rebel cells all over the galaxy. The rebel cells have been “stealing ships and destroying Imperial property” on planets all over the Outer Rim, Palpatine divulged. The Empire “cannot allow such violence and destruction” and that is why the Emperor has ordered Attorney General Darth Vader to “use any means necessary to restore law and order.”
“Moff Tarkin gave a captured rebel more than enough time to give us the information we needed,” Palpatine explained, “but she remained stubbornly resistant to mind probes, and outright lied about where her rebel was. To add insult to injury, Senator Bail Organa had recently made references to Alderaan perhaps becoming a rebel sanctuary state, and that would’ve led to more AntiSith lawlessness, which left us with but one alternative. Wipe them out. All of them.”
It’s unclear how many life forms were on Alderaan when the Death’s Star primary weapon destroyed it. Reports from the area is that “it’s like it’s totally been blown away” and that the debris from the planet is “like some kind of asteroid field or something.” Palpatine’s critics say this move shows how desperate he is to retain power, and could backfire.
“The more they tighten their grip,” one anonymous source told the press, “the more star systems will slip through their fingers. The galaxy will not soon forget the day that the Empire blew up an entire planet in the middle of a temper tantrum.”
Imperial aides are telling reporters that Palpatine was particularly alarmed because the plans for the Death Star went missing, and he believes it’s some of the same AntiSith agitators who stole the plans that were with an alleged rebel officer when the Empire boarded her ship and took her captive.
“The suspect tried to throw us off the scent,” Imperial Spokesperson G’er Jaspara told reporters, “and she said the rebels were on Dantooine. What we found there was nothing more than the remains of a rebel base. So Moff Tarkin did what he judged must be done, and committed the largest act of genocide this galaxy has seen before.”
While it’s not clear yet who has been funding the Rebel Alliance, Emperor Palpatine believes it’s been working with AntiSith leadership, and he even believes he might know where their money is coming from.
“Clearly these rebel scum were funded by Obi-Wan Soros,” Palpatine said. “I can sense it, like a great disturbance in the Force.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.