Saturday, October 16, 2021

Paul Ryan Researched How to Sneak Ambien Into Big Macs After Trump’s 2016 Victory

According to newly published reports, Donald Trump’s election in 2016 blindsided former Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) so much that he researched ways to deal with someone with narcissistic personality disorder. That wasn’t all Mr. Ryan looked into according to several sources with knowledge of the situation.

“When Paul found out he was going to have to work Don Trump on stuff, obviously he got nervous and started trying to come up with ways to make that assignment much less shitty than it was going to be,” a former Ryan aide, speaking on condition of anonymity and turkey jerky gift cards, told us via Skype. “So yeah, he researched how to deal with raging narcissists, but he also thought maybe if he could just tire Don out, keep him literally too exhausted to destroy America, his political career and the country would be better off in the long run.”


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One night, Congressman Ryan was in his office, doing research, when he found a video on YouTube. In the video, his aide tell us, a vet was demonstrating how to get a big, angry, rabid dog to take its medication.

“The vet said that one of the best ways is still to sneak the pills into the dog’s food,” the aide told us. “So, one thing led to another, and the next thing I know, we’re buying Big Macs, putting Ambien in them, and then eating the burgers, to see if the drugs would work and we’d all fall asleep.”

Ryan and his staff’s experiments worked, and they found that they could, indeed sneak sleeping pills like Ambien into Big Macs. However, the big problem was that the former, one term, twice forever impeached president liked to take “executive lunch” breaks.

“That’s where he basically locked himself in the Oval Office with Ivanka, a mirror, and a bucket of KFC. I guess he likes to chop up the chicken and do it like coke off her ass or tits or whatever,” the aide explained. “Paul would invite Don to lunch, and even promise him playground time, but Trump never wanted to break a date with his First Lady, so we never got to drug him to keep sleepy, and well, you saw how the ensuing four years went, especially after Paul retired from Congress.”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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