WASHINGTON, D.C. — Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) is reportedly still recovering from the shock to her system that watching the UK parliament stand up to Prime Minister Boris Johnson caused.
“Speaker Pelosi was in her office, going over the usual flood of calls, emails, and tweets from concerned Americans, wondering why she was doing literally nothing to stop the president’s incessant onslaught of unfit, corrupt, dangerous, and frankly stupid behavior,” one Pelosi aide told us on the condition of anonymity, “and she had a TV on the office. Coverage of what went down in parliament with Boris Johnson came on, and the sight of seeing people use constitutional powers to stop a moron really short circuited her brain functions.”
Watching a member of Johnson’s own party defect to the Liberal Democrats in order to deny the prime minister the majority he’d need to ram a no-deal Brexit through “sent shockwaves of confused guilt” through Speaker Pelosi.
“Wait. What the hell? People in government can, like, do stuff,” Pelosi asked with genuine confusion. “Like, they can do stuff that takes guts, if it’s for the good of the country? People can put the country’s needs ahead of their political futures? The fuck?”
Pelosi was unnerved.
“Did..did he take enough polls? Did he sit in quiet solitude long enough,” a growingly concerned Pelosi demanded to know. “Did he prioritize cheap political theater over concrete action for a few months first? I feel like all this activity and effort could really come back and bite him in the you-know-what!”
Reportedly, she’d only ever heard tales of political courage, but hadn’t had the chance to witness it in action. Pelosi passed out from the sudden jolt to her system, aides say.
“The speaker is resting comfortably with doctors and corporate donors tending to her,” our source told us. “We’re sure she’ll back to non-committal, vague promises to hold the president accountable in no time. If Nancy Pelosi is good at anything, it’s looking and sounding sincerely concerned without actually doing anything the Constitution says she can do to help fix the glaring problem in our government that’s only getting worse.”
The president was seen in the Oval Office later in the day, a black sharpie in his hand. Some reporters happened to walk by and asked him what he was doing. Farting and laughing, the president told them.
“I’m drawing horns on Pelosi. Then I’m going to tweet the picture to my bots, er I mean, my genuine human followers,” the president said, “and officially declare her one of Satan’s demons. Which will be real and true because I’m the pres-o-dent and what I say goes!”
Asked about his assertion, a drained but attentive Pelosi gave her reaction.
“On the one hand, that seems wrong and bad,” Pelosi said, “but on the other hand…that’s probably right, I guess. I don’t know. Who really knows. Vote for us, next year, I guess?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”