Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Pence’s Publisher Tells Him He Can’t Record Audiobook Until He Removes His Lips From Trump’s Anus

This week, Simon & Schuster announced that it had signed a book deal worth millions of dollars with former Vice President Mike Pence. The book Pence is expected to write is a memoir about his time serving in the Trump administration. However, his new publisher has already told him that in order to record the audiobook version of his tome, he’ll have to make a few changes in his routine.

“Former Vice President Pence has been made aware of the fact that he can write whatever he wants to about his time in the administration, and can praise his former boss as much as he needs to in order to keep Trump from sending his violent mob after him again,” Simon & Schuster’s junior deputy publicist Karen Carolsby said during an interview on NPR this morning. “However, we’ve also told him that strictly from a technical standpoint, he’ll have to remove his mouth from Trump’s anus before we can record the audiobook.”

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Carolsby explained that there isn’t a political motivation to have Pence take his mouth off Trump’s rectum before tracking the audiobook; it’s purely a technical one.

“As good as our studio facilities are, and they are top-notch, we’re just not sure our microphones would pick up much more than the gurgling, wet noises of Mike’s mouth on the former president’s asshole,” Carolsby explained, “and of course the former’s president’s infamous farting. We’re told he farts almost non-stop and used to blame it on Sarah Huckabee Sanders before she left the administration.”

Reportedly, Pence is upset and unnerved by the revelation that he’ll have to decouple his mouth from Trump’s backside, and is considering his options.

“Mike needs the income so I think the book is still going to happen,” a source close to the situation told us. “However, he may have someone else record the audiobook. Unfortunately, Ted Cruz, Matt Gaetz, and Ivanka or all out of the running for the same reason he would be, if he decides not to take his mouth off Trump’s butthole.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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