Pence: “Clearly What We Need is a Wholesome Halftime Show With Bible Verses and Exposed Penises”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The NFL’s Super Bowl Halftime show has become quite a spectacle and is the subject of many opinion pieces both before and after any time an artist or artists perform in it. Perhaps one of the most controversial halftime shows was in 2004, when pop superstar Justin Timberlake exposed Janet Jackson’s breast. Though the offending boob was covered with a fancy pasty, it didn’t stop angry and offended Americans from filing multiple FCC complaints for the event that put the term “wardrobe malfunction” into the American lexicon.

The 2020 Super Bowl Halftime Show will likely not rise to quite the level of consternation and outrage that an exposed teat did back in 2004, however all across social and mainstream media, many Americans are still complaining about it. Though the show was politically charged — with references to Puerto Rico and the migrant children still being held captive on the southern border — what seems to have unnerved some more conservative viewers was the poll dancing and skimpy costumes also featured in the show.

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Vice President Holy Father Mike Pence, speaking at a post-Super Bowl prayer breakfast in D.C. this morning, blasted the halftime show and its “lewd and disgusting imagery.” Pence said the show’s producers need to keep in mind that America is a “good, clean, wholesome, Christian nation” and that sex is “only for procreation and certainly not enjoying.” Pence offered a few suggestions for next year’s show, which he says he’ll ask President Donald Trump to issue an executive order for, provided he wins re-election later this year.

“This year’s halftime show left me so sad and disappointed,” Pence complained. “All those scantily clad women did nothing for me. Dancing on a pole is listed as a sin, right there in the Bible…in one of the more wordy parts. It just seems to me like we’re headed down the road to degraday — I say DEGRADATION!”

The congregation responded in unison.

“OUR CHILDREN’S CHILDREN GONNA HAVE TROUBLE…TROUBLE…TROUBLE…”

Pence, wiping his brow, put forth his suggestions for a “wholesome” show.

“Clearly what we need is a wholesome halftime show,” Pence said, “with bible verses…and exposed penises. Exposed lady bits are wrong. They’re foul. They’re sinful and disgusting, and as everyone knows, for every action there is an equal opposite, and in this case far more godly, reaction.”

The congregation sat and listened intently as Pence explained further. 

“Think about it! The Bible tells tales of men, big strapping, strong, oily, sweaty men, fighting wars and conquering kingdoms,” Pence insisted, tension rising in his voice, “and in their downtime, they wore only loincloths. The Super Bowl halftime show can have exposed dongs because one of the very first stories in the bible is about a guy who had his dong out all the time. We call him ‘Adam,’ and he was the very first man that God literally created on this earth. Are the show’s producers really going to tell us they’re too good for something God himself put right in his best-selling novel? I think not!”

Cheers erupted from the congregation.

“It is high time, I say, that we demand a clean, family friendly halftime show! One with singing church choirs and heaving, muscular men’s chests emblazoned with scripture,” Pence said. “Because this country is founded on family values. We value families so much in fact, that we tear them apart at the border and jail the brown babies!”

More cheers from the Christians in the pews.

“Join me friends! Join me in making it abundantly clear that we want muscle bound men, pantless, at next year’s Super Bowl,” Pence shouted. “I will make sure our Dear President makes it a reality, as God as my witness! Only wholesome penises! No sinful titties!”

Five minutes of applause and cheering showered Vice President Pence. He left the church with a spring in his step, according to several people close to the situation. Pence celebrated by having his driver take him to a male strip club, so he could recruit “just the right beefcakes” for next year’s halftime show.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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