WASHINGTON, D.C. — Since the start of the global pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus, President Donald Trump has tried to assume the posture of someone who is bravely fighting the disease, both from a policy and a personal standpoint. Despite being exposed to the virus at this year’s CPAC conference, unlike several prominent conservative Republicans, Trump has chosen not to self-quarantine and has heretofore not gotten himself tested for the virus. This afternoon, after he held a press conference in the White House rose garden, Trump reportedly, finally, agreed to have himself tested.
“Typically, I’ve never liked any kind of test. Doesn’t matter the test — driving, spelling, math, paternity,” Trump listed the types of tests that have given him fits over his lifetime, “it doesn’t matter. If it’s a test, I’ve loathed it. Despised it, even.”
Then, though, Trump told reporters in the press pool that he’d be getting himself tested for coronavirus infection “as soon as possible.” Apparently, he’s been reassured several times by several staffers that the test doesn’t involve spelling or math. Trump told everyone he was “bigly confident” he’d “pass with flying colors” now.
“Before I was told that there wasn’t any math or spelling on it, I had a feeling like the coronavirus test might not go so well for me,” Trump admitted. “Not that I’d fail it, because I’ve never failed anything. I only alternatively pass things, or are alternatively successful, such as with my steak brand, bottled water brand, university, or casino. But now that I now for 100% sure that there won’t be any spelling or math on it, I’m bigly confident I’m gonna pass that coronavirus test with flying colors! Of course, the fake news enemies of the people press, like yourselves, will probably downplay it, or not even report it all. Not that I’ll complain about it, though. I’m not one to whine or complain.”
Just then, a bolt of lightning shot through the White House roof, and missed Trump by just a couple of feet. The president looked over where the lightning struck, farted, and then continued to speak about getting tested for the coronavirus.
“Woah. That was a close one,” Trump said, barely acknowledging the lightning. “The point is, now that I know for a fact I won’t be tested on math, or spelling, or some other bullshit, I’m more than happy to take this coronavirus test. Ex-specially if it means you all will shut the hell up about it, and leave me alone to run my country the way I want to! I don’t even know why you guys care so much that I get tested; I pass every test I take!”
The White House did not release a definitive answer as to when President Trump would be given the coronavirus test. Trump, however, assured the public he’d announce the results as soon as they were available. Yesterday, Trump declared a state of national emergency in the White House rose garden. He got quite visibly upset when a reporter tried to ask him questions about his administration dismantling the government’s pandemic response team. Also yesterday, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi reached a deal with Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin that should allow an emergency coronavirus aid package to be passed, should Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell allow a vote on the Senate floor.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.