President Assures Skeptics Putin Gave Him Permission to Collude With Ukraine This Time

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As buzz grows on the Hill surrounding reports that President Donald Trump pressured officials in the Ukraine government to help dig up dirt on Democratic presidential candidate, and former Vice President Joe Biden, Trump has taken to his usual avenues of defense — Twitter and true, blue, patriotic, nationalistic, red meat eating, gun toting, ammo hoarding, Christian news outlets — to defend himself. While The Wall Street Journal can’t usually be accused of a liberal bias, it reported last night that Trump pressured the Ukrainian government no less than eight times to investigate Biden and his now deceased son. 

Trump used his Twitter account to blast the news reports, calling press outlets “The Fake News Media” and insisting they are protecting Biden. 

After sending the tweets, Mr. Trump was due for his mid-morning Executive Time. This requires him to leave the Oval Office, and go upstairs to the residence floor. Once there, the president begins his Executive Time with at least a two hour defecation and tweetstorm. However, this morning, on the way up to the bathroom, Mr. Trump was spotted by the press pool, who got him to stop and answer a few questions in impromptu gaggle.

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“First of all, let’s get this straight, okay? Bill Barr says I can literally do anything I want,” Trump began. “Mitch McConnell? Him too. My base? Well, you know how I feel about shooting people on 5th Avenue and them loving me even more. So as far as I’m concerned so-called questions of the legality of what I do don’t matter. What’re you gonna do, cry about it? Are you all crying about it? Suck it up, losers! ELECTORAL COLLEGE.”

Farting extremely hard, Trump pressed on.

“Second of off, I got permission, okay? I got permission,” Trump insisted.

From whom, did he get permission to seek help from Ukraine to hurt his political rival, reporters asked.

“From my boss, you dipsitted fuckfaced enemies of the people,” Trump shouted at the reporters. “From my boss.”

The American people, reporters asked?

“Are you out of your stupid minds? No! Why would I give any shits what the American people want me to do,” Trump asked with true confusion and incredulity in his voice. “I’m talking about my main man, Vladdy Boy Poot-Poot.”

Putin gave him permission to pressure Ukrainian officials, the media asked.

“Yes! Of course! Now you get it,” Trump said. “You see, I didn’t want to hurt Vlad’s feelings. I didn’t know if he’d feel like I was cheating on him by colluding with a different foreign government. So I picked up the Kushner Russian back channel phone and asked Vlad. He told me that since we’re in an open relationship, I can collude with anyone I want to, as long as I tell him about it first. So since I did that, he said it was all good and I should collude away. SO BOOM, SUCKERS. CHECKMATE, LIBTARDS!”

Trump started dancing a little happy dance. But the force of his body moving up and down brought more farts out of him. For a good three minutes Trump danced and farted, repeating, “CHECKMATE, LIBTARDS” the whole time.

Reached for comment, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi talked about what she had for breakfast, the color of the sky, and the importance of remembering to look both ways before crossing the street.

“Oh did he say and do something so horrible that literally the men who have been president would have been easily impeached for? That’s interesting,” Pelosi said dispassionately before immediately going on, “but did you know that my bacon was extra crispy this morning? Boy that was tasty. Oh, hey! Look at the sky! It’s totally like blue and stuff! Anyway, what were you saying about the destruction of the fabric of our way of life by an egomaniacal asshole? I wasn’t paying attention. There’s a poll I’m conducting that should tell me where I misplaced my courage and resolve.”

This is a developing Greek tragedy.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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