WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sen. Rand Paul (Q-KY) appeared on Fox News this morning and claimed he does not need a COVID-19 vaccine, and will not be getting one any time soon. Paul claimed that he has something called “turd immunity,” which is why he feels confident in his decision to eschew the vaccine.
“I understand that a lot of folks on the left don’t care about their freedoms. They literally don’t care about them, because folks like George Soros and Karl Marx have infected their minds with full-blown socialism,” Paul told the Fox News anchors, “but I still value my freedoms. And, frankly, what’s the point of me having my turd immunity if I’m going to let myself get pushed into getting a Fauci Ouchie for no reason whatsoever?”
Paul, who is an ophthalmologist that created his own certification board to skirt the established certification process, said that turd immunity “works very simply” to protect him from not just COVID-19, but a bevy of infectious diseases.
“When you get turd immunity, you don’t get any sicknesses that effect human beings. You know,” Paul indicated, “because you’re a literal piece of shit? I don’t think anyone will ever really understand how happy I was when I found out that actual turds can’t get COVID-19.”
Paul believes he acquired turd immunity “some time over the last four years.”
“I got really cozy with a giant turd, who happened to be our commander in chief at the time,” Paul said, “so my personal theory is that I was close enough to that guy over his presidency to where I sort of picked up his turd immunity by osmosis.”
A confused Fox News host asked how Paul contracted COVID-19 last year. It was widely reported that Paul tested positive for the disease, knew he was a carrier, but did not stop using congressional gym facilities. Paul explained that he hadn’t yet “transitioned to [his] final form” back when he became sick with COVID-19.
“I hadn’t quite yet fully transformed into the piece of shit I am today back then. Apparently my turd immunity wasn’t fully established yet,” Paul said. “I can assure you, though, and anyone who watches any hearings I’m in can attest to this — I am fully and completely crap-tastic now, so I have stronger turd immunity than even most other fecal clay, regardless if they’re in Congress or not!”
Dr. Anthony Fauci confirmed during the White House weekly COVID-19 pandemic response team press conference that Sen. Paul “exhibits all the classic, hallmark symptoms of having turd immunity.”
“I would have said after our brief interactions in hearings that the senator should have himself tested for turd immunity,” Fauci said, “so when he announced himself that he had it, I wouldn’t say I was surprised; not in the least bit, really.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.