WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just hours ago, Congressman John Ratcliffe of Texas received the most number of “no” votes of anyone nominated for the job, but thanks to a completely party line vote of 49-44, he was confirmed as the country’s newest Director of National Intelligence. What some Americans might not know, however, is that shortly after Ratcliffe was officially given the DNI job, he was confirmed unanimously by the Senate in another capacity.
“We’re bigly pleased and honored to announce that John Ratcliffe has also been confirmed as the Director of National Unintelligence,” White House Press Sex Doll Kayleigh McEnany told reporters. “We think there has never been anyone so well-qualified to serve this nation in such a vital and important job, and we look forward to all the batshit crazy 4chan rumors he manages to get slipped into the president’s diet of misinformation.”
The role of Director of National Unintelligence was a post created during the George W. Bush administration. Former Vice President Dan Quayle was given the job, back when stupid Republicans merely couldn’t spell “potato,” instead of believing being white is an accomplishment, and that rich people don’t quite have enough money yet. Americans might remember former half-term Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin served as the DNU for a time, as did Michele Bachmann, and that weird guy Jack Posobiec from OANN who cheated on his pregnant wife on the dating website Bumble.
McEnany said that President Trump considers Ratcliffe a “two morons with one asshole” approach to governance. Having the Texas Republican fill both roles will allow his salary to be bundled, which McEnany says is a good thing for the taxpayers. However, President Trump views Ratcliffe’s jobs as having very different levels of importance.
“Director Ratclife’s duties as DNU will be far more pressing than his duties as DNI,” McEnany explained. “After all, what would a Trump presidency look like without unintelligence? Would he still be taking an untested anti-malarial drug for coronavirus? Would he have stared into the sun during an eclipse? Would he be accusing Obama of spying on his administration when all the facts point to Obama doing everything he could to make sure no laws were broken? Would the president’s base accept him as their dear leader without all the unintelligence he relies on?”
Reportedly, there were some sour grapes among Republican leadership when the White House made everyone aware of the president’s decision to give both jobs to Ratcliffe. According to sources familiar with the situation, Representatives Devin Nunes (R-Trump’s Taint) and Gym Jordan (R-OH) were astounded and insulted that they were not offered the DNU position themselves. Both men feel they spent ample time under the president’s testicles to warrant “at least a cursory glance at their resumes,” our source told us.
“Devin in particular was pretty shaken up about it. He told me he’d spent a lot of time polishing the president’s knob,” our source said, “and to not even get a call ahead of time that he wasn’t getting the gig was quite devastating. He’d never have offered to get the doorknob on the Lincoln bedroom clean if he had known it wouldn’t make a difference with the DNU gig.”
Ratcliffe will join the administration in his dual capacity next week. He’s reportedly already started memorizing every every issue of Stormfront and all of Milo Yianoppaloppadoodohdee’s op-eds to ensure he “brings the maximum stupid” the job, right from the first day.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.