RBG: “Hey Assholes! I’m Not Immortal, So Which Old White Guy You Trust More to Find My Replacement?”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg issued an urgent press release this morning, a rare and unprecedented event in and of itself for any member of the nation’s highest court. However, the tone, frank and coarse language, and context of the press release make it a once in a lifetime event. 

“Hey Assholes! I’m not immortal,” the open letter begins, “so which old white guy you trust more to find my replacement? I get it, I get it. We all would’ve love the choice to be better. Most of us wanted someone more progressive with a more diverse background. That’s not what happened. For many reasons, many of which are, Joe Biden got more votes at the end of the day. Still, he’s flawed like any man is, and so you’ve all got to ask yourself whether you trust him or Donald Trump to choose my replacement.”

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Justice Ginsburg tries to console the American electorate who might have been hoping that Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders would be the Democratic nominee instead of former Vice President Joe Biden in her press release. She writes that while “in a perfect world” Sanders, or any candidate they think is “the exact candidate” they want to vote for would be the nominee, that “at the end of it all,” Americans should be realistic about how elections in this country work, and what their real choices are. Losing the Supreme Court for their lifetimes is a very real possibility if “people start getting all Goldilocks on politicians.”

“Guys, nobody is perfect. Lincoln suspended constitutional rights during the Civil War. FDR put Japanese Americans in camps and authorized the development of nuclear weaponry, and Barack Obama killed a lot of civilians with drone strikes,” Ginsburg pleaded. “In a perfect world, you guys would get the exact candidate you were hoping would be the nominee. But, that ain’t happening right now. I could point out that Biden really did get more votes, or I could point out that Biden’s the type of politician you can force into being more progressive, but really, at the end of it all, you have to work with the cards you’re dealt, Right now the cards say I’m not long for this bench, one way or the other, so you need to decide if you want the worst president of all time choosing who will take my place,”

Ginsburg, in an attempt to head-off some of the criticisms from the left of Biden’s career in the Senate, argues that while she isn’t a fan of Clarence Thomas, Mitch McConnell confirmed her.

“I don’t wanna hear about Biden confirming Clarence Thomas. That was a long time ago. He’s changed. And he wasn’t president back then. Clarence is a douchebag, I can’t lie about that,” Ginsburg admits. “But, if you think Biden voting to confirm Clarence makes him a die-hard conservative, then wait until you find out that Mitch McConnell voted to confirm me. Politics is weird, fam, is all I’m saying.”

By the end of her open letter to America, Ginsburg admits that if the makeup of the Supreme Court doesn’t matter to the voters, then there’s really nothing she can say to change that fact. 

“When it’s all said and done, if the Supreme Court isn’t important enough for you, then I can’t help you. This is America, and you all should feel free to vote however you want,”  But I have to tell you kiddos, after all this time, I’ve learned one thing — you almost never get exactly what it is you want. You often have to make hard choices, and right now a hard choice is whether you want perfect, or you want good. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out exactly as you’d hoped they would, but put yourself in my shoes. Do you think I want to go to work every day and have to interact with the frat boy who likes beer, or the guy who likes to pretend to find pubes on cans of Coke? We all make sacrifices, my friends. Which ones are you willing to make for this country?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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