Restaurant Brands International Announces New “Retail Euthanasia” Venture

TORONTO, SOCIALIST HELL HOLE OF CANADA — As Burger King takes less and less share of the Burger market every year, Restaurant Brands International (RBI) — BK’s parent company — has decided to get into a new line of business with a slogan that plays on their classic, well-known slogan.

“Death, The Way You Like It!”

RBI’s VP of Business Development Ken Defuqfac`e released a statement via Twitter over the holiday weekend:

Let’s be honest, the earth is going to shit. No one will have a job but the Jews and people who are ok with them existing. The sea levels are rising. There was a black president. The world is going to hell in a handbasket real fuckin’ fast.

Death King takes that all away. Do something you have always wanted to do, and then CHECK THE FUCK OUT IN STYLE!

The best part? Our cremations and broiled, never fried.


When we interviewed Mr. Defuqfac`e he was elated about attention for this new venture for his company.

“This is my baby. And I am gonna kill it! Get it! GET IT,” Defuqfac`e laughed heartily, pounding the rest of his Molson Ice and raising the empty bottle with his right hand to the bartender with three fingers up on his left.

Ken may have been drinking well before our reporter arrived. The interview took place at a bar by Drake’s house at 1pm.

“Wanna bang a stripper in front of your wife while you blow your whole 401Kocaine,” Defuqfac`e asked our reporter, “Death King can can make allllll the arrangements!

Our reporter asked exactly what Defuqfac`e meant.

“You ever fantasize about raping an Antifa Member?” he asked.

Our reporter said “no,” and was about to remind Defuqfac`e that he represents a publicly traded company, when the executive screamed loud enough for everyone in the bar to hear, “As long as you are willing to die after, we can send you out pretty much any way you like!”

As it turns out Defuqfac`e is right. In states where euthanasia is legal and reasonable NDA and estate regulations are on the books, this really is a viable business model. $5,000 gets a customer a normal burial after they die “like a chump,” Defuqfac`e explained.

With service packages starting at $25,000, Death King gets you death, the way YOU like it!


  • Show Comments


You May Also Like

Twitter Won’t Pull Down Trump’s Tweets About Fucking Jack Dorsey’s Mom

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Twitter has officially declined to pull down tweets sent ...

Disney Sues to Shut Down Production and Sale of “Baby Dildoda”

ANASLIME, CALIFORNIA — The Walt Disney Company filed paperwork in court today seeking an ...

Pro-Life Evangelical Christian Explains Why Grandma Has to Die to Save Boeing Stock Prices

HOLY OAK, VIRGINIA — Televangelist Bill Millen, an outspoken and devout supporter of President ...

Vape Company Giving Guns Away With Their Products to Avoid Regulation

A California company that produces vaporizing products for sale in the state has chosen ...