WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-TX) was asked by a reporter last night to either put a mask over his face while addressing the press pool, or barring that, a loaded gun in his mouth. As Cruz was delivering yet another monologue to the press about voting rights and gun rights, he was asked by a reporter to put a mask on.
“I’ve had my vaccine and even had covid and got over it, so, clearly I am immune and don’t have to care about you,” Cruz shot back. “Sure the CDC isn’t sure yet whether I could still be an asymptomatic spreader, even after being vaccinated, and sure they’re asking people to keep wearing masks and social distancing after their vaccination until we’ve reached herd immunity, but I’m Trump-publican. Fuck your feelings, snowflake!”
That’s when the reporter had another suggestion.
“Okay, cool. Well, maybe you could just put a loaded gun in your mouth, Ted,” they suggested. “Just, you know, chamber a round and stuff that barrel in your mouth. Pretend like it’s Trump’s dick and swallow it whole, Ted.”
Cruz seemed shocked and taken aback.
“I am shocked, and quite frankly taken aback at how rude you are being to me,” Cruz said, with offense in his voice and tears in his eyes. “How…how dare you hurt my feelings like this?”
The reporter didn’t miss a beat.
“The First Amendment, that’s how, you booger eating fuckstick,” the reporter answered back. “Now, are you going to put a mask over your hideous face that’s fronting for the most God-awful mullet I’ve ever seen, or are you gonna do the whole world a favor and give a loaded gun a sloppy blowjob, Ted?”
Sen. Cruz just stood there, in stunned silence for a couple minutes. When he did finally respond, he surprised everyone in the room.
“Okay, fine. You know what? I’ll do it. Just so the woketopian cancel culture left doesn’t try to use this as evidence that guns aren’t safe,” Cruz said, taking his own loaded pistol out of his hip pocket. “All true, genuine, Texas — by way of Canada — cowboys are packing at all times anyway. So let me just put this bad boy in the whole Donny Hole here and…”
…and that’s when my alarm rang. I woke up, and headed straight to my office. I brought up Google News and searched “Ted Cruz.” To my shock and utter dismay, I found out I had just dreamed it all.
I made it all up. Why?
Because this is my satirical news website, and it’s what I do here. But also, and much more the point, to paraphrase Dave Chapelle: Because fuck Ted Cruz. That’s why.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.