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Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Rittenhouse’s Mother Unsure Whether to Seat Him at Kids’ Table or Murderer’s Table

ORENTHAL, ILLINOIS — For the first time in over a year, Wendy Rittenhouse will have her son back home for Thanksgiving later this week. However, she told Fox News this morning that Kyle’s return is already “throwing a wrench” in her planning.

“We’re going to have a really wonderful time, Brian, we really are. We have so many guests joining us; it really feels like the whole klan is getting back together finally. Judge Schroeder said he and the whole Kenosha chapter of the Proud Boys will be able to make it,” Ms. Rittenhouse told the morning hosts today.

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“What we’re not too sure about, though, are the seating arrangements. When he was arrested after turning himself in, Kyle was still sitting at the kids’ table. Now, I’m not sure if he belongs there, or if I should move him to the murderer’s table.”

While she has a few days to decide which table to seat her son at, Wendy says she’s also still busy filling out the guest list.

“If I do put him at the murderer’s table, I don’t want poor, sweet, cherubic, itchy trigger-fingered Kyle sitting all alone,” Ms. Rittenhouse said.

“That’s why I made sure George Zimmerman can attend, at the very least. The two of them have a lot in common. My son went out hunting people protesting the killing of a black man, and George killed an innocent black kid. They have so much to talk about.”

Regardless of the seating chart, Wendy says that Kyle will be “absolutely instrumental” in preparing the food.

“Kyle has so many wonderful talents, and they extend to the kitchen! I hope everyone loves mashed potatoes and shell casing gravy,” Rittenhouse beamed.

“My sweet murderous Kyle also took care of the bird this year! Of course, once his AR-15 was done shooting the bird, there wasn’t much meat left, but it’s the thought that counts, I think.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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