WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump will close out the 2020 Republican Nationalist Convention tonight by tossing a ceremonial match onto a pile of gasoline soaked books, igniting them and capping off almost a week of fanfare and fluffing of his ego.
All this week, several of the most prominent pro-Trump media figures and politicians have delivered addresses to the nation, urging Americans to vote for a second Trump term. Though the president has never seen his approval ratings get above 50% in any unbiased polling, he and his team have tried to project confidence in his chances of re-election. During this week’s speeches, many speakers tried to scare Americans into believing a vote for former Vice President Joe Biden is a vote for violence, chaos and anarchy.
“Tonight, President Donald Trump will viciously and savagely attack Joe Biden in a speech for the ages,” Stephen Miller, the president’s speechwriter and adviser told a conservative talk radio host. “The Dark Ages, of course, but the ages nonetheless. President Trump will tell the American people why Joe Biden will lead the country into a chaos and violence like we see on the streets right now, under President Trump’s brilliant leadership, but it’ll be different because Biden’s a Democrat and has an URBAN running mate.”
As we reported earlier this week, the 2020 Republican Nationalist Convention featured several speakers. Of particular note was when the president’s Other First Lady gave a speech. What made it newsworthy wasn’t that Mrs. Trump spoke, but that she managed to deliver an entire address that wasn’t at least partially plagiarized from former First Lady Michelle Obama. Instead, what made it historic was the fact that she did it as a gold digging, racist birther and exploited her own questionable immigration story to boot.
“I’ll be perfectly frank with you all, when Mrs. Trump gave her speech, she put the entire supply of irony in the world at risk,” World Irony Warehouse spokeswoman Carol Malloy told reporters this morning. “They’re gonna tell us that it’s not that ironic because she came here legally, but there are all kinds of questions about her own visa application, for starters. But let’s face facts — it’s a semantics argument to make a difference between legal and illegal immigration, because breaking immigration law isn’t even a felony.” (AltFacts)
Perhaps the biggest storyline of this year’s convention, however was that after the first night, it picked up a brand new sponsor — cocaine. Sister publication Political Garbage Chute had the report.
“Last night, we started what is truly a historic convention — one that nominated an impeached president for re-election,” White House Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters this morning. “That in and of itself is history-making and noteworthy. Today, the Republican Party announced they’ve made a deal with the CEO of cocaine, and have a new sponsorship deal in place.”
Ronna McDaniel, the RNC’s chairperson, divulged that the deal between the GOP and cocaine was still being finalized as the the convention started last night.
“Cocaine’s sales reps showed up and gave a lot of us same samples of their product,” McDaniel said, scratching her nose reflexively, “but I don’t think you could tell, could you? Could you tell? About the cocaine I mean? Could you tell we were all, like, really hopped on booger sugar? COULD YOU? COULD YOU MAN? FUCKING TELL ME, DUDE! COULD YOU TELL WE WERE ALL COKED OUT OF OUR SKULLS OR FUCKING NOT, MAN?!” (PGC)
The general election will be held on November 3rd, 2020.