WASHINGTON, D.C. — At the time of publication, Rep. Adam Schiff was still working some final details out with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. The Democratic Shiff and Republican McConnell found themselves meeting up with one another early this morning in a most unusual locale.
The pair found themselves face to face in Donald Trump’s rectum, after Schiff discovered McConnell up there. Schiff had been dispatched by Speaker Nancy Pelosi to inspect Trump’s asshole for just how far Schiff could ram his shoes up it, during the much-anticipated, televised live impeachment hearings that begin this morning. Schiff has been holding many closed-door depositions related to the House Democrats’ impeachment investigation into Trump’s summer phone call with the President of Ukraine.
Schiff and his fellow Democrats have long-maintained that Trump and key members of his administration have admitted to conditioning aid to Ukraine on an investigation into Hunter Biden, former Vice President Joe Biden’s son. While Trump’s Republican defenders in Congress have been content to attack Schiff’s procedural moves, few have actually attacked, with much success, the actual meat of the allegations against the president.
“What the hell are you still doing up here Mitch? The hearings start tomorrow. This place is gonna be full of the Big Guy’s runny Big Mac and KFC shits as soon as the whole country starts hearing, firsthand, how much of the goods we have on the Tubby Fuckdouche in Chief,” Schiff said, eschewing his trademark formal and concise language for the more colorful prose of a buffoonish clown satirist. “I gotta tell you Mitchy Baby, if I were you — and you know and I don’t like to give you guys free advice — but if I were you? I’d get the hell out of here real quick-like.”
Rep. Schiff implored McConnell to “listen to logic.”
“If you think he’s getting through tomorrow’s rage-live-tweet-his-own-impeachment hearings without filling at least three pairs of trousers a day,
Schiff told McConnell you’re high on something Jeff Sessions would want you lynched for having in your possession, Mitch ol’ boy.”
McConnell, stunned that someone had finally found him buried deep within the corrupt, inept, idiotic bowels of the insanely moronic president’s anus, tried to insinuate Schiff was the one out of line.
“Now, you’re out of line, Schiff! Plum outta line,” McConnell said. “He may just literally shit his pants while he figuratively shits his pants in tweet-form, but that’s exactly what Article II of the Constitution gives him power to do. Surely, you’re not suggesting that he can be impeached for shitting his pants? What man in his 70’s doesn’t overflow his pantaloons with stress induced diarrhea from time to time? That’s not a high crime, and it’s not even a misdemeanor.”
“Mitchy baby, trust me, shitting his pants is something we want him to do. We’re not gonna impeach him for shitting his pants all day,” Schiff said. “Don’t worry.”
McConnell breathed a sigh of relief.
“We’re gonna impeach him for all the shit we know he’s done, thanks to the hours of testimony and gobs of evidence we’re planning on showing the American public over the next few weeks,” Schiff said. “We’re going to impeach him for trying to use American foreign policy as a blackmail tool for his own political gain. We’re going to impeach him for using the office of the presidency to chase down wild, far right-wing conspiracy theories on the taxpayer’s dime because he’s too corrupt and/or stupid to realize not everyone around him is too scared to come forward and tell everyone what a shady piece of shit he is. We’re going to impeach him, Mitch, for all the stuff each and every Republican would be demanding a Democrat would be impeached for. Not for shitting his pants though. Good call on that.”
Sen. McConnell took his penis out of the lump of coal he was fucking. In the tortoise species, this is a sign of deep agitation and confusion. If he was going to stop fucking that lump of coal, it was would be because he was truly unhappy with what he was hearing.
“You mean…you’re going to hold him to the same standards we tried to hold Obama to,” McConnell asked.
Schiff giggled again.
“Right. Except in this case, we have things like evidence and whatnot,” Schiff explained. “But you’re on the right track, for sure.”
Suddenly, Trump farted. Both men gagged. Schiff turned and started running out. As he did, he turned back around and shouted something at McConnell.
“You know what, we’ll just play it by ear, now that I think of it,” Schiff said, holding back his vomit reflex, but just barely. “See you around, Mitch!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.