RACIST MORON VALLEY, PENNSYLVANIA — This week, a spokesperson for Lorne Michaels, producer of NBC’s long running sketch comedy show Saturday Night Live, announced that Shane Gillis would not be joining the cast of the show, as had been previously announced. Gillis, a comedian, had been initially hired by Michaels to join the cast as a featured player, but the same day his casting was announced, a freelance comedy reporter published an article containing video clips of Mr. Gillis making racist and homophobic slurs during an episode of his podcast.
While Gillis will not be joining SNL this season, his employment opportunities have not completely dried up. This morning, Gillis was spotted headed into a grocery store near his hometown, and was stopped by a reporter who asked him how he was coping with losing such a big chance to further his comedy career. Gillis told the reporter he “wasn’t worried at all” and that he’d already gotten a “pretty good offer” from another media outlet.
“I think I may take up the klan on their offer to write Stormfront,” Gillis announced. “The pay isn’t as good as it would be at SNL, but at least I won’t get censored by the P.C. police there. At least the klan will respect my God given right to say racist stuff without any consequences. I mean, I don’t want to be a jerk, or point out the obvious, but those guys must’ve forgotten I’m white and that as such I’m entitled to say offensive shit and then get offended when someone else says they’re offended. If I’m not playing the victim, am I really living in America anymore?”
Jethro Bohiggins, who hosts a right-wing podcast, writes right-wing country songs, and is a junior VP of sales with The Stormfront told us that the publication is really looking forward to bringning Gillis into the fold.
“As soon as we heard his jokes, we knew he’d fit in with the rest of us,” Bohiggins said. “As long as you look around the room before saying a racist joke, you shouldn’t be fired for telling it. But still, NBC’s loss is our racist gain!”
Gillis says that while he never thought about working for a hate group before, he realizes that “you gotta go where the jokes get laughs.”
“Did I wake up yesterday thinking I’d be getting a job offer from the klan? No,” Gillis admitted. “But who knows? Maybe this will end up working out and I’ll fit with them to a flaming-T! Either way, I’m just glad I’ll be working for someone who appreciates my sense of bigotry and humor, and knows it’s stupid to try and separate the two.”
Though he didn’t have to audition for the job, Gillis says he did have to submit a packet of his best racist jokes to the klan to be considered.
“They really put me through the ringer, but luckily when you’re a gifted guy like me, the racist epithets just come naturally,” Gillis said. “Punching down is just kinda my thing. To me, nothing is funnier than taking an already marginalized group and marginalizing them further. Then again, I still crack up every time I watch Roots, so what do I know?”
At the same time, Gillis also announced he was doing a tour of the “real America” starting this fall, as well.
“We’re going to hit the confederate states,” Gillis said. “We’re calling it the Keep Komedy Klassy tour. Tons of great comics like 1992’s Rob Schneider will be along for the ride. Book burning bonfires, concerts put on by toothless jug bands…man it’s gonna be lit!”
Gillis got another backup offer that he’s “hip-pocketing” until he needs it, as well.
“If all else fails, Stephen Miller called me and told me that he’d love to have a guy with my talents writing for the president,” Gillis said. “So we’ll see. Maybe I’ll become a Fox News comedy reporter. They just hired that bag of diarrhea as the Fox News non-smelly things reporter, so I think it’d be a good fit for me there, too.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”