Sidney Powell, rat-faced scarecrow and former attorney to Donald J. Trump, told an audience this weekend that she believes all the former president has to do to be reinstated as the commander in chief is to “perform some simple MAGA voodoo.”
“Folks, I have been looking into this since just after that illegal president Joe Biden took office,” Powell told the QAnon faithful at a conference this weekend. “I know true believers like you will appreciate that I consider any president illegal if they won by the fraud of counting votes instead of being handpicked by Jesus Christ and his mouth-breathing patriotic followers. And I know you’ll also love what I’m about to tell you — Donald John Trump can be president again, tomorrow, if he chooses!”
A roar of approval erupted from the crowd. The cheer was so loud, the wind escaping all the toothless mouths in the auditorium nearly blew out the tiki torches and burning crosses in the room. When the crowd had died down enough, Powell explained herself.
“Remember, now, this is completely in the Constitution. Somewhere, I think, I don’t know, I never technically read the stupid thing,” Powell continued, “but that’s neither here nor there. Because if Forever President Trump simply does a little MAGA-magic trick, he’ll be reinstated not just to finish his term, but literally for all time!”
According to Powell, if the former president goes into the bathroom and looks into the mirror, he can recite an incantation and be magically made president once more.
“Mr. Trump, if you’re listening, please, I implore. Go into your bathroom, look at your beautiful, melanin-free visage,” Powell pleaded with an imaginary Trump, “and shout ‘QAnon! QAnon! QAnon!’ That’s the spell. That’s all you need, and in a matter of mere moments, you’ll be back in power, and we can crush the ghost of Hugo Chavez once and for all!”
Powell further claimed that if Trump doesn’t wish to perform the MAGA voodoo ceremony and incantation, he has “other avenues” to pursue being reinstated.
“Let’s say he decides to invent time travel. All he’d have to do is slip and fall while hanging a bathroom clock, get a vision of the Flux Capacitor — which is what makes time travel possible,” Powell declared, “and Emperor God King Donald Trump will be back on the iron throne, blowing up Hobbits with the Death Star. Don’t believe me? Smoke this here crack and find out how right I am!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.