|Editor’s note: If you find yourself offended by this story, try to remember how ugly someone must be both inside and out to defend an administration that kidnaps brown children at puts them into concentration camps on the border. Then, get the fuck over yourself.|
ETERNIA — Evil genius and He-Man arch-nemesis Skeletor was tired of being made fun of for how he looks.
It was one thing to be named Skeletor and look quite so skeletal looking, he’d tell friends, but it was another thing entirely to be made fun of because he is, quite literally, a skeleton. However, while being made fun of for not having any flesh or skin on his face was something he could and did live with for many years, it was when President Donald Trump took office on Earth, and his senior bullshit adviser was thrust into the spotlight, that Skeletor started to seriously consider plastic surgery.
Skeletor remembers the first time someone told him he looks quite a bit like White House senior racist policy adviser Kellyanne Conway.
“Man-at-Arms is always trolling me in texts,” Skeletor explained. “So one day a couple years ago, he goes and texts me, ‘Hey did you see President Moron’s adviser Kellyanne Conway today? She looks just like you, loser!'”
Initially, Mr. Tor didn’t think much of the comparison between himself and conway. As a cartoon bad guy, he didn’t mind being compared to another cartoon bad guy’s evil henchman. However, as time went on, and he saw the “level of evil the Trump people were willing to sink to,” he decided even he couldn’t be associated with the “vile and vicious nightmares” he saw the White House inflicting on the American people and immigrants seeking to come to America.
“As evil as I am, I would never defend an administration that locks up babies in cages on the border,” Skeleton told GQ Magazine in a recent interview. “What kind of cruel monster would kidnap babies? I only ever tried to rule Eternia and the only people I ever tried to harm with the full-grown adults with giant swords attacking me!”
About six weeks ago, Skeletor contacted who thought was “the very best plastic surgeon in all of Eternia.” He wanted to drastically alter his appearance. After four years of constantly being mistaken for Conway at the grocery store, gas station, and gym, Skeletor was ready to “do whatever it took” to never be misidentified in such a way again.
“My doctor told me he’d do his best, and that he expected I’d look much, much less like her when it was done,” Skeletor explained. “I had extremely high hopes. This guy has worked real miracles. I saw him give a horse such an amazing new face that no one would ever think she was Ann Coulter again!”
Alas, though, when he awoke from the surgery and looked in the mirror, he ended up looking more like Conway, not less.
“Maybe there were signals crossed. Maybe once he started the procedure, he had a brain fart and thought I had asked him to make me look exactly like that fascist shit head,” Skeletor said. “Whatever the reason for it, I woke up from my surgery looking almost exactly like her. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but thank God COVID-19’s made its way to us here in Eternia, because now I’ll at least have an excuse to not leave the house until I figure out what to do.”
Kellyanne Conway was too busy giving sloppy handjobs to President Trump on live TV to respond to requests for comment on this article.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.