Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Stephen Miller Waits In Front Of Flagpole After School For Jake Tapper

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The Internet was abuzz after White House aide Stephen Miller’s combative, hostile interview with CNN’S Jake Tapper this past weekend.

Supporters of President Donald Trump believed that Miller’s appearance was a good one, he pushed back against negative press that has besieged Trump. Detractors and critics of the president point out that Miller was evasive and rude to Tapper, speaking over and insulting him at every turn. Ultimately, Tapper decided to end the interview early, insisting that Miller didn’t seem interested in anything but pleasing his boss. Reports later surfaced that Mr. Miller was escorted out of the building by security after refusing to leave the set.

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However, that’s not where the story ends, at least for now. According to several eyewitnesses, Miller has been stationed in front of the flag pole and has been waiting to “rumble” with Tapper after school all week. To this point, Tapper and Miller have not re-engaged but everyone in the bus pickup line has been watching with anticipation for just such a moment.

“I’m challenging Fake Jake to a rumble right here, and right now,” Miller was heard telling people passing by. “I can whip him, I know I can.”

Reportedly, Miller has been stuffing notes scrawled with message like “UR GHEY” into Tapper’s locker all week. Mr. Miller also allegedly has been going around school telling people that Tapper “jerks it, like a lot” and that he has “prolly never even gotten laid or even second base with a chick.” Miller is apparently also behind an incident in which Tapper found his shoelaces tied together after gym class.

“Oh, we’re gonna rumble, and we’re gonna rumble hard,” Miller was overheard telling friends. “Tapper’s going down for the count.”

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Vice-Principal Magilicuddy says his campus is still a “zero tolerance zone” for violence between students. If he “catches wind of any shenanigans going down” he will “haul everyone into [his] office” and call all their parents.

“We will do on-campus suspension if we have to,” Magilicuddy told reporters. “We will not allow bullying or violence between our students on my watch.”

The White House did not respond to requests for comment, but did issue a statement calling Tapper a “cuck.”

You can read satire like this every day on The Pastiche Post and Political Garbage Chute.

More satire:

President Trump Overheard Practicing National Anthem

Dozens Of Tiny Envelopes Ordered For President Trump’s Fake News Awards

Trump Supporter Worried Trump Alienated His Base With Genius Boasts

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