WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House Senior Fascism Adviser Stephen Miller’s hair appeared on a conservative talk radio show this morning and blasted “media elites and the liberal intelligentsia” for what it says is a “baseless smear against our Dear President.” Miller’s hair insisted that, after looking at several angles of a now famous picture of President Trump, that it doesn’t see anything “unnatural or fake looking” about the president’s face. The picture, snapped when a gust of wind blew back Trump’s own alleged hair from his face, revealed what appeared to be an extremely obvious line of demarcation between his faux-tanning product and real skin.
The picture made the rounds on social media quite quickly, and by the end of the day, several memes like this one were floating around social media.
President Trump took to Twitter and proclaimed the image as “fake news” and alleged that it was “photoshopped.” However, the comment thread on the tweet contained several users posting similar, close-up images of the president which seemed to show the same obvious fake tan line. Trump did not respond to any of those comments.
More Fake News. This was photoshopped, obviously, but the wind was strong and the hair looks good? Anything to demean! https://t.co/t8ptYMCYHf
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 8, 2020
“I think this is just sad. Just pathetic. It shows you how desperate the loony left is. They’ll believe anything,” Miller’s hair told WKKK’s Chip Chatterly. “Literally anything. How gullible are they, anyway? I guess they’re just jealous we have such an obvious warrior for truth and a defender of reality in President John Barron. Excuse me, President David Dennison. Wow, what is up with me? I mean President Donald Trump, obviously.”
Miller’s hair drew several comparisons between Trump’s facial tan and other things.
“The president’s tan is as real as his bone spurs. It’s as real as the millions of illegal Mexicans who voted in California in 2016,” Miller’s hair insisted. “Our dear president’s tan face is as genuine as pediatric cancer charity, and as authentic as a Trump University degree.”
The comparisons just kept on coming.
“I would daresay that his facial tan is as very real as his impeachment trial was. His tan is the real deal, just like all those TIME Magazine covers he put up before he was ever on the cover,” Miller’s hair said. “I’ve frankly never seen anything as real as his tan since the last time Stephen Miller looked in the mirror and saw me, his very real and genuine hair, staring back at him. If you doubt the validity of President Trump’s facial tan, then I hope you get rounded up and put in a border camp. You deserve it, quite honestly, for daring to offend the great and all powerful Oz…er I mean, Trump.”
As the interview wound-down, Miller’s hair gave a stark warning to “anyone who would seek to insult our mighty, tan president.” Cross Trump, Miller’s hair admonished, and you may wind up “truly regretting it.” Time’s have changed Miller’s hair said, and the “days of freely speaking your mind and speaking truth to power” are over.
“Senate Republicans just turned a blind eye to everything he’s done for the last couple of years to insulate himself from being held accountable,” Miller’s hair said. “The gloves are going to come off now. You thought he was an unrepentant asshole before? Post-impeachment Trump will rip your throat out, shoot you on Fifth Avenue, grab your wife’s pussy and force you to get your own fake spray tan, then throw in Gitmo for the insult of being a libtard in this great country. So be warned, America, get with the program, accept our fine, good, clean, white but also tan leader’s perfection in all things, or get marched to the gulags. Your choice.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.