Officials from Minnesota are confirming this morning that last night an insufferable, sweaty, lying idiot held the largest klan rally the North Star State has ever witnessed. While it’s unclear if the klan has ever held any of its rallies in an arena quite as large as Minneapolis’ Target Center, local officials are sure this is the largest such gathering of white nationalists and white nationalism supporters that Minnesota has ever seen. Another fact Minnesota officials are quite sure of — the rally is the first of its kind to be led by the commander in chief, the President of the United States.
“I haven’t seen that many racist confederates in one place since I watched Ken Burns’ Civil War last year,” Minnesota Jr. Vice Media Liaison Katie Braun told us. “It was like looking at old timey photos you see on the internet of people in klan robes just ho-hum walking around town like they weren’t in their full regalia.”
Braun did note one difference between photos of klan rallies past and the rally held by the big mouthed, mendacious white collar crook last night. She says that difference may be why more states haven’t officially recognized the “Keep America Great” rallies as their largest klan rallies ever.
“They’re wearing rad hats instead of white hoods now, but the anti-immigrant, anti-brown skinned people rhetoric is all the same,” Braun said. “Not that anyone should be surprised. Racism is stupid, and stupidity doesn’t tend to evolve or change much over time.”
It’s still unclear if the mayor of Minneapolis’ efforts to ensure the obnoxious moron’s presidential campaign pays for the security and rental of the Target Center. In the days leading up to the klan rally, Mayor Jacob Frey tried to stop the klan rally from taking place by insisting that the water headed jackass paid for the extra security and venue rental ahead of time. Frey cited the fact that the president has held several klan rallies in different cities across America and has stiffed local governments on several occasions.
“Call me old fashioned,” Minneapolis City Council Member Jack Johan told us via Skype, “but I long for the days when the klan would at least have the decency to pay the bill for cleaning up after their cross burnings. I don’t blame Mayor Frey for trying to make sure a guy who is notorious for being just as cheap as he is racist actually pays his bill.”
Sources say that the clean up of the rally led to Target Center staff finding all sorts of racist propaganda.
“I’ve never swept up that many discarded Nazi badges and Stormfront pamphlets in my life,” one member of the cleaning crew told local TV affiliates this morning. “Then again, I’ve never found those things at anything other than one of that big, fat, lying bastard’s hate rallies. So there you go.”
In addition to it being the largest klan rally, officials are saying last night’s event was also the largest single gathering of single-digit IQs in history. It was also, they say, the largest gathering of people who have sexual thoughts about their family members. However, that fact probably wouldn’t surprise very many people.
“The Imperial Grand Wizard leading the rally has on numerous occasions said he has sexual thoughts about his own daughter,” Johan said. “So when we ran the numbers on how many incest proponents there were in the crowd last night, none of us were shocked. If anything, we were shocked that the total number of cousin fuckers wasn’t higher, to be totally frank.”
During the rally, the sweat-soaked moron in chief blasted everyone from former President Barack Obama, his Vice President Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, and Mayor Frey. The big, dumb idiot attacked Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN), who is an outspoken critic of his in the House of Representatives. Scholars noted that this was one of the most nakedly racist moments in presidential history, matched only by President Jackson’s Trail of Tears, Thomas Jefferson’s repeated raping of his slaves, and FDR’s Japanese internment camps. Historians are also noting, however, that this was also the most stupidly racist rally, as well.
“It’s not just that it was racist. It’s that he was so stupid while being racist,” Dr. Maya McGee told us. “This titanically stupid, lying sack of asininity and racist Breitbart headlines is really carving out a name for himself in the pantheon of dumbass, racist Americans, that’s for sure.”
The White House did not comment on this story. The same sweaty, stupid, nauseating fool will be holding another klan rally in Louisiana tonight. That state is no stranger to hate rallies, however, so it’s unclear if any attendance records for klan events will be broken tonight.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.