WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Treasury Department has started a new pilot jobs program geared toward seniors, and they’re hoping it inspires “grandmas and grandpas to do the right thing” and “lay down their lives to keep the president’s economy buzzing.” At a press conference, Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin gave reporters the basic details of the program, which he said the government will begin rolling out in earnest next month.
“As any good, clean, ammo hoarding American senior citizen patriot knows, we must keep our dear president’s economy strong,” Mnuchin began, “and the only way to do that is if we keep working. If we don’t keep working, the economy could suffer, which means President Trump’s re-election chances suffer, which means this country stops being great again, and goes back to the libtarded, snowflake cuck dystopia it had become under previous black administrations.”
Throughout his presidency, Trump has attempted to frame the success of the economy as not only his own, but also a compelling reason why Americans should re-elect him in the fall. Though the statistics show former President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office for majority of the enormous recovery that brought the economy back from the disaster of the Great Recession, President Trump has argued that it was his administration’s actions that brought about the boom. However, as the pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus made landfall in the U.S., market uncertainty caused one of the most volatile two week periods on the Dow Jones Industrial Average, and many worry that prolonged lockdowns to stop the spread of COVID-19 might lead to a recession, and it’s unclear just how deep that recession would be, or how long it might last.
In an effort to stave off at least some of the impact of the shutdowns, last week Congress approved a bipartisan $2 trillion stimulus package — the largest in the country’s history — that will put about $4000 in a family of four’s bank accounts. Mnuchin estimates those payments will begin to hit taxpayer accounts within three weeks. However, it’s unclear if just a one time stimulus payment would be enough for a lot of families. Just a few days after announcing stay-at-home guidelines, Trump seemed antsy to reopen businesses that had shut down out of enormous concern for spreading the coronavirus.
Several conservative commentators and media figures have suggested that elderly seniors, who are among the most susceptible to the virus, should be willing to get back to work right away, if that’s what the economy needs to rebound quickly. Mnuchin echoed those sentiments when he announced the new jobs program. He said the title of the program is meant to “inspire our seniors to get up and go to work so they can lay down and die for capitalism later.”
“New Tricks for Old Dogs will start in the coming weeks. It’s meant to spur our elderly into action,” Mnuchin said. “We’re confident that our nation’s seniors understand more than anybody how dangerous socialism is, and that the more checks we have to send to people who aren’t farmers or corporate CEOs, the closer to socialism we get. So if anyone is going to feel the spirit of the Holy Capitalist, it’s our oldies but goodies.”
Some of the jobs in the program will be combined with Trump’s infrastructure proposals, Mnuchin said, so seniors will get a chance to repair the nation’s bridges, roads, and highways.
“One day soon, you’ll be able to beep your horn as you whizz by sixty or more old folks repaving our freeways,” Mnuchin announced excitedly. “We cannot wait to see the results of their hard work. After all, risking a COVID-19 infection for the economy is a great enough honor as it is, but rebuilding this beautiful country’s wonderfully crumbling infrastructure simultaneously? That’s a once in a lifetime chance, and we think a lot of old folks will jump at it. And if not, we’ll stick ’em in the ass with cattle prods, because nothing gets you to jump quite like a prod in the ass.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.