Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Trump Wants Research Into Whether AIDS Vaccine Also Cures Windmill Cancer

WASHINGTON, D.C. — While the world is still celebrating his announcement of an AIDS vaccine earlier today at an executive order signing ceremony, President Donald Trump is already looking to see if the vaccine can be used for other deadly diseases.

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Even diseases that might, from a technically speaking standpoint, actually exist.

MORE: Mike Pence: “If You Close Your Eyes to Pray, The COVID Goes Away”

Before signing an executive order on police reform, President Trump gave a speech. That is to say he rambled in a mostly incoherent way about a few random few subjects, most of which were not related to police reform. During a portion of his unscripted verbal diarrhea devoted to COVID-19, Trump stunned the world and announced that “they’ve come up with the AIDS vaccine.”

It’s not entirely certain who developed the AIDS vaccine, where it was developed, and when it will make its way onto the market and into the hands of healthcare providers. No major news network or medical journal has made any announcements nor published any studies on a potential new AIDS vaccine. However, the president’s belief that reality is optional, coupled with his reported desire to turn the coronavirus outbreak into a political victory despite more than 115,000 Americans dying from it, seems to have made Trump quite ready to pursue using this new AIDS vaccine in more ways.

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“This is what I wonder, and this is what I’ve instructed the medical nerds to look into,” Trump said as he walked from the Oval Office to the White House kitchen this afternoon. “Is whether or not that AIDS vaccine I talked about, that very real, very totally legit thing I mentioned, can be used to cure things like covfefe wrist and windmill cancer.”

The president stopped for a moment, and the press pool initially thought, perhaps, he was thinking deeply. However, as the sound of tearing meat in a bowl of tapioca pudding was heard in the hallway, they suspected something else was happening. The smell of McDonald’s and shame wafting up from the president’s adult diaper region, confirmed their suspicions.

“Ignore that. IGNORE THAT. EXCUSE ME?! EXCUSE ME. Ignore that,” Trump said. “You’re not smelling anything, you hear me?”

After a ten minute speech about how he is literally incapable of farting, the president was handed a scrap of paper by Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick.

“Sir, there’s that totally real note from a totally actual doctor telling you that your butthole is literally not capable of emitting anything that smells bad,” McDitzydick said.

Trump thanked Ms. McDitzydick.

“So the point is that as president I have a duty to help people. To protect people,” Trump shrugged. “If that means taking this very extremely real AIDS vaccine that I didn’t just pull out of my ass because I only understood about 10% of what someone told me about a potential AIDS vaccine, and telling the medical nerds to develop a vaccine for windmill cancer with it, then I won’t apologize for that. Not now, not ever!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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