WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has directed the Secretary of the Navy to immediately begin planning an operation to send an elite S.E.A.L. team to the Lost City of Atlantis in an effort to find evidence of the Q-Anon conspiracy theory. While taking questions from reporters after a special meeting with the CEO of MyPillow, Trump announced that he told the navy’s secretary it was “time to see just what’s out there” in regards to the theory that he’s working to undermine a secret cabal of satanic pedophiles.
Mr. Trump was asked about Q-Anon earlier this week, and seemed unwilling to distance himself from those who believe it. Instead, he praised them and drew favorable comparisons between himself and people who think Q is real. Trump said that many people who believe in Q-Anon love America like he does, and then sarcastically asked if it would be a “bad thing” if he was trying to bring down a satanic pedophile cult.
“I have asked my Ocean Generals to get together and come up with a plan to send our very bestest S.E.A.L teams to the City of Atlantis,” President Trump told reporters, “to make sure we get to the bottom of this whole Q-Anon thing. I’m told that the City of Atlantis is they key to it all, so like I was telling my First Lady last night, I think it’s time to send some of our best ocean soldiers down there to investigate.”
Trump raised himself up in his seat and farted, letting out a sigh of relief.
“Ivanka agreed with me, by the way, so I was as glad as ever that she was right there with me. In my bed. With me,” Trump said, trailing off. “Mmmmmm.”
After waiting two full minutes for the president to stop daydreaming about doinking his own daughter, the White House Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick shouted at the reporters in the room to get their “enemy of the people asses out of the president’s Oval Office.”
Later in the day, McDitzydick answered a question about the navy’s expedition to Atlantis after rifling through her enormous three-ring binder before doing so.
“Yeah, I’m really glad you asked me about the president’s Atlantis boondoggle,” McDitzydick said smugly. “Because it seems the liberal mainstream press is just out for more gotcha moments. You’re all acting like believing in things that don’t exist isn’t as American as apple pie and systemic racism. Well, it’s our right as Republicans to believe in trickle down economics and Jesus, and it’s also our right to believe in Q-Annon and birtherism, and the #savethechildren thing, and all that stuff.”
Congressman Devin Nunes told reporters today he supports the Atlantis mission, and he said he hopes the president considers expanding it.
“My hope is that not only does the president get what he needs out of Atlantis,” Nunes said, taking his lips off the president’s perineum just long enough to speak, “but I want him to push it a bit. I want him to find out if we send people to Tatooine if we’ll end up finding the lightsabers Rey buried there. I also am hoping he finds out where the evidence that Crooked Hillary about the Bowling Green Massacre buried is, and that he sends our armed forces to find that evidence.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) took his flaccid, mangled penis out of a lump of coal he was fucking long enough to give a two word answer to a question posed to him about the president’s mission to Atlantis.
“Trump, good,” McConnell said right before smashing his genitals into the coal again.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.