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Thursday, September 28, 2023

Retreating to Familiar Territory, Trump Demands Biden’s Birth Certificate

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump, before he was elected to the highest office in the land, was no stranger to haranguing a politician for proof of their birth. Granted, he’d only ever had experience heretofore harassing politicians of a certain skin tone for their proof of birth, but that’s no longer the case.

MORE: Trump Demands Secret Service Arrest Michelle Obama For “Verbally Beating the Living Shit” Out of Him

“I hereby, in my official capacity as President of the United States of America, demand that former Vice President Joe Biden produce his long form birth certificate,” Trump said in a tweet that’s since been deleted. “I cannot and will not debate him until he does so. In fact, I’m not sure he will be legally allowed to run anymore until he produces it.”

During most of his predecessor’s term, Trump pushed a conspiracy theory known as “birtherism,” which posited that former President Barack Obama was actually Kenyan by birth. Despite allegedly hiring investigators and promising for years to expose the fraud of Obama’s birth status, then-citizen Trump failed spectacularly to deliver on any of his promises. During the 2016 campaign, Trump reluctantly pivoted from birtherism, claiming that he was glad he participated in it, because it helped Obama set the record straight.

This year, Trump and his allies have already tried in vain to pin the “ineligible” label on Biden’s running mate, Senator Kamala Harris. Independent fact checkers have already debunked that claim quite thoroughly. However, it appears that President Trump has moved his sights to a different target, and he wants to see Biden’s birth certificate.

“Oh, sure, he claims he was born in Scranton, Pennsylvania,” Trump argued, “but isn’t that also where vampires are from? Do Democrats seriously expect us to vote for a guy before we are totally sure he isn’t a vampire? A far-left, radical, socialist ANTIFA vampire?”

The Biden campaign has indicated they’d be willing to do a “one for one swap” with President Trump for the former VP’s birth certificate.

“If President Trump is willing to show is tax returns to the American people,” the Biden campaign said in a written statement, “Vice President Biden would be more than happy to share his long form birth certificate with them as well. We look forward to Comrade Trump providing us with this tax records.”

President Trump has tried several lines of attack on Biden. One in particular has been to try and sow doubt in the American people’s minds about Biden’s cognitive clarity and acuity. AltFacts host Fred M. Iggle recently addressed that topic in a report, seen below.

It’s unclear whether the White House has received the Biden campaign’s offer to swap birth certificates for tax returns. However, it’s clear to some that Team Biden has some momentum and it’s scaring the Trump campaign. Just last week, we reported here that Vice President Pence had decided he cannot be on the same stage as Biden’s running mate, Senator Harris, and to honor his wife he will not debate her.

Vice President Pence’s deeply rooted belief that it is disrespectful to his wife, whom he calls “Mother” and that is in no way at all weird, to be on a stage with another woman. While Mother would be in the audience, watching, and she has shown some interest in watching other things transpire that Vice President Pence would have otherwise thought she’d have considered to sinful to watch, much less engage in herself, he simply can’t risk it and the off chance he wasn’t actually getting that, you know, vibe from her. 

Besides, all of this is likely a moot point. If the president and Attorney General Barr are able to figure out what they’ve been working on the last few weeks, there might not be an election for you to be on the bottom half of the ticket in, anyway. Mmm. (AltFacts)

With less than three months until November’s election, polls show a tight race, but with Biden enjoying a lead, with some key states Trump won in 2016 started to lean blue. This story will be updated if and when Trump responds to Biden’s proposal.

MORE: Biden Campaign Worried They Might Not Win the ‘Injects Self With Bleach’ Vote

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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