WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s not a very well-kept secret that President Donald Trump wants Americans to fear AntiFa, though privately he’s admitted to aides that he’s not even sure how to spell it. Recent polling seems to indicate that the majority of Trump supporters aren’t even quite sure what AntiFa is, but they’re quite sure that former President Barack Obama is a founding member.
“Fascism is good, when Republicans practice it,” Senator Ted Cruz (R-Trump’s Cock Wart) told reporters this afternoon, “so to be Anti-Fascist right now is to be un-American frankly to the point of being brought up on charges of treason. If the Democrats and their allies in the Lamestream, Super-Communist-Yet-Very-Interested-In-Corporate-Profitability-Fake-News press were to cover it right, the whole country would finally see that the fascists are the good guys. But we’re not even fascists, just because we use violence to enforce our power of you! Fascism is being told we can’t sue a transgender person for pooping in a closed stall next to us!”
More: Trump Condemns Antifa Propaganda Like “Saving Private Ryan,” “Inglourious Basterds,” and “Indiana Jones”
Reportedly, during a call with the nation’s governors this week, Trump made it even more abundantly clear just how much he loathes and despises AntiFa, and some of his reasons are downright personal.
“You know, a lot of people think I’m handsome. A lot of people think I have very normal sized hands, and a lot of people believe I must have a pretty normal dick,” Trump mused to the governors. “But the thing is, if I’m being honest, none of those things are true. I’m a turd golem. My hands are tiny. My cock is mangled to say the very least. This is all public record stuff, I know, but I’m also very obsessed with my predecessor, the previous black administration.”
Trump dabbed what some thought could be a tear, but was just some excess KFC grease leaking from his eye socket, from this face.
“That black man was better than me on every level, and I am damn obsessed with ending everything about what he did as president,” Trump howled, “and you wanna know what the worst part is? It’s all, all of it now, every single scrap of it, is AntiFa’s fault! Can you believe that? They told me that. Well, I don’t know if they exactly told me that, or if I read it somewhere…you know, a lot of people hand me things to read, isn’t that funny? I thought before I became president, or whatever, that presidents must not read very much because they have all those staffers to read to them, which really was going to be quite nice, given how little I actually like to read.”
On leaked audio of the call, an audible burp can be heard, though it sounds like the president tried to move the phone away from his mouth before he belched.
“That wasn’t me. That was my wife, Not Ivanka,” Trump said before continuing. “The point is, everything that’s wrong, everything’s that bad, is all AntiFa’s fault, and everyone knows it. EVERYONE KNOWS IT. We used to think it was the Mexicans, or the Muslims, or the Mexican Muslims or whatever, but no. It was ANTIFA! My cock would’ve been so completely NORMAL looking if AntiFa hadn’t messed it all up! I swear to God!”
Before ending the call, Trump gave the governors a list of other things in his life that he’s “come to find out” are all AntiFa’s fault.
“Remember how the ratings on The Apprentice were alternatively climbing before I ran for president? That was all AntiFa’s fault,” Trump said. “When Ivanka said she was too old too married to do Night Time Snuggles with me? ANTIFA. I want them destroyed, and I will not stop until the country is safe from anti-fascists, because fascism is good! What’s wrong with fascism? I always love to look good in what I wear, and I’ve been to some catwalk runaway shows or whatever! I say I’m pro-fascism inDUStry. Really bigly.”
AntiFa couldn’t be reached for comment because they’re not an actual organization, despite what the president wants to believe.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.