WASHINGTON, D.C. — Whether or not President Donald Trump has the legal authority to ban a social media app entirely in the United States, and whether or not he decides to test those theoretical powers on video sharing app TikTok, it appears that on some level he’s willing to concede that it’s a popular platform. That’s because earlier this week, the Trump 2020 campaign unveiled, “TikiTok,” the video app that’s very similar to TikTok, except it’s designed specifically for a subset of Trump supporters.
“From what my campaign computer nerds are telling me,” President Trump said when asked about the new app in an interview on OANN, “where people who happen to carry tiki torches can talk to each other. Get it? Tiki-tok, or Tiki Talk. Genius, huh? Brilliant, really. A lot of people have come up to me and said to me, ‘Gee, Mr. President, that TikiTok app is better than the 13th Amendment or sliced bread or whatever.’ And who am I to argue with them?”
Social media has become a new battleground in U.S. politics, thanks in part to how large a role Facebook and Twitter played in 2016’s election. Both sites were also critical for Russian efforts to influence the election as well. Disgraced Secret Service Agent, right-wing pundit, and runner up for World’s Largest and Emptiest Skull, Dan Bongino, recently acquired an ownership stake in the new social media site Parler, which hasn’t quite siphoned as many people away from Facebook and Twitter as had been hoped, but sources say is doing a good job of convincing people who subscribe to the KKK newsletter Stormfront to join Parler.
“So what people will be able to do, my good boy MAGAs, is they can get on TikiTok,” Trump explained, “and then they can send each other fun pro-Trump videos. People love to share pro-Trump videos, I’m told, so we figured, why not give them a place to do it.”
Trump is hoping that TikiTok provides his supporters a chance to “hold virtual klanpaign rallies” as the coronavirus is still forcing most states to discourage or outright ban large gatherings of people.
“I know that my MAGAs prefer to gather in large groups, under the warmth of a big ol’ flaming T — you know, for TRUMP, but these are very different times,” Trump said, “so we gotta take what we can get. And right now, we can get an app. I hope all my very fine people download and use it!”
Clearly the Trump campaign believes that social media dominance is key to winning re-election. This past week, we reported on a new executive order the president signed, which was aimed at forcing social media company MySpace to put him in everyone’s Top 8 friend list. It’s unclear how the president would or could enforce the order, however.
“With this order, I hereby command MySpace to immediately put me in everyone’s Top 8,” Trump said as he showed everyone in the Oval Office the order he just signed. “It’s really disappointing how few MySpace users have me in their Top 8. As president, I have a constitutional right to be everyone’s top friend and for them to like and follow me on Instagram.” (AltFacts)
TikiTok will be launched at some point in the coming weeks.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.